Aramark has released its fourth-quarter report at long last, letting investors (and, less intentionally, students) see the company’s success at meeting this semester’s goals for UK Dining. According to the report, one of the largest failures of UK Dining over the fall 2015 semester was the inability to keep up with the goals that had been set for student mortality rates.
When reached for comment, Aramark executive Stephanie Sans said, “Here at UK Dining, we like to set goals. Specifically, we like to set goals for the number of meal-plan buying students that we can kill in our facilities each semester.” She went on to tell the Colonel about the long-standing Aramark tradition of requiring students to pay for meal plans that they can’t use.
In recent years, per Sans, UK Dining has found that killing students is perhaps the most efficient means to honor that tradition. Aramark’s fourth-quarter report, released late last week, states that UK Dining’s goal this quarter was to cause at least 13 student deaths per week (dpw) at the newly-opened Fresh Food Company, and an additional 9 dpw across the other establishments located in the brand new facility known as The 90. Unfortunately, while Fresh Food Company boasts an impressive 7 dpw, an average of 3 of those deaths are associated with tour groups rather than UK students, bringing the average dpw down to 4, a rather extreme failure compared to Aramark’s projections.
Fortunately, Taco Bell has stepped up its game. Taco Bell has not only met the entirety of the 9 dpw set for The 90 based on food quality alone, but there is an average of three additional students who sacrifice themselves to the Taco God every week. This has helped UK Dining to meet the dpw projections set by Aramark for the fall 2015 semester.
The report concludes by describing the opening of La Madeline as both “early” and “a true success story.”
By Nadia Geddit