The William T. Young Library Starbucks has become a site of tragedy today as hundreds of students suffer from injuries after slipping on an avalanche of “newspapers” littering the floor.
“I was just trying to order a pumpkin spice latte when suddenly my foot flew out from under me and I found myself on my back, lying in a bed of newsprint,” said sophomore Hailey Cranberry. The floor, chairs, tables, and drink preparation spaces of Starbucks remain buried under layers of newsprint ranging from half an inch to half a foot in depth. Reports of broken bones, sprained ankles, concussions, and burns from spilled coffee number in the hundreds.
The papers appeared to be some sort of news medium, but upon inspection, were nothing more than twelve poorlyedited pages of ads. Our investigative reporters put together a few copies using the page numbers as clues, yet still could not find any meaningful content, even after reading the reconstructed pages of what appeared to be named The White Cow.
“It looks like a newspaper,” field reporter Joey Kalamari stated as he flipped madly through the wrinkled pages. “It has headers and page numbers, but there aren’t any stories! It’s all ads!” In fact, over 70% of the advertisements were entreating students to become a writer for The White Cow.
While campus authorities pursue the still-at-large perpetrators of this heinous guerilla marketing act, students should expect the wait time for coffee to increase from two hours to three. Students are also advised to step carefully during the clean-up process as an unknown number of students are still buried under four-foot drifts.
By Ramsey Lamb