DES MOINES, IOWA–
Citizens of America watched with bated breath this week as GOP candidates were forced by Syrian refugees to prove their Christianity before being allowed to progress any further in the presidential race. “Politicians are known to be vicious killers, murdering everything from bills that fund education and health for the masses to literal puppies. Before we would feel safe calling America our home, it’s only right that we require the potential 2016-2020 president to demonstrate his or her ability to practice what they preach, and love their neighbors as themselves,” said Zana Karim, organizer of the Jesus Games, as the trials were colloquially called.
The Jesus Games began with GOP candidates being dropped in the middle of an unmarked arena, with the only instruction provided being not to kill and eat any of the other candidates, as the event was covered by every major news network and cannibalism could be potentially construed as “bad press.” Within five seconds of being released into the arena, Carly Fiorina threw this rule out the window and attempted to gnaw Chris Christie’s upper arm to the bone. “Aw, come on, when am I ever gonna get this chance again?” she complained as officials dragged her to the Losers’ Arena to sit and wait for the others.
Christie, despite bleeding from the arm, persevered to the challenges themselves and gave a single quarter to a Homeless Veteran sleeping on a park bench in the arena before failing to even notice the Homeless LGBT Youth sleeping on the ground nearby, tripping on the Homeless Youth’s ankle, and disqualifying himself from the Games.
“See? With that kind of un-Christian attitude, there’s no doubt at all that these presidential candidates would take all of the desirable jobs, such as trash collectors and toxic waste processors, rather than touch a Gay, and then how would any of us refugees find jobs in this economy?” Karim asked, commentating throughout the Games for viewers watching at home.
Ben Carson, though all personal items had been removed from the competitors, immediately took out his emergency Science Clipboard from an unknown location. “Yes. Mmhmm. There certainly seem to be some trials ahead,” he murmured scientifically, writing down the Potential Good Deeds in the vicinity and making various check marks and scribbles in his notes. “Excuse me, sir, could you spare a moment of your time to help us in our women’s shelter and health center? Or perhaps some spare change to help us purchase supplies?” a Volunteer Coordinator asked Carson. Carson cracked his clipboard over his knee in determination, headed off to help with Poor Women’s Health, and was promptly ejected from the Shelter as he tried to perform brain surgery on a vagina, having never actually seen either a brain or a vagina in the wild before.
Marco Rubio attempted to take the easy way out by listing the Ten Commandments into a nearby microphone located in one of the arena’s trees, but choked in the final stretch and could only name seven, attempting to replace the last three Commandments with quotes from the Bill of Rights but failing at that too. “I’m / too sexy for my shirt,” sang Rubio dejectedly, remembering too late that British pop lyrics rarely, if ever, show up in legal documents such as The Bill of Rights.
“As you can see very clearly from the way they’re acting—but, more importantly, from the way they look—every one of these candidates is a member, if not the leader, of the KKK,” commented announcer Karim, as citizens at home nodded and vigorously applauded the on-screen commentator. A few of the candidates passed the first few tests of Christianity and were able to name two of the major Christian holidays, but not a single one managed to make it past their second test.
Jeb Bush stoned a Promiscuous Woman nearly to death after she admitted that she often wore short skirts and did not want to carry her rapist’s child to full term. Ted Cruz almost made it to the third trial, but chose to fight a Starbucks Employee about Christmas cup designs rather than follow the gospel’s recommendation to clothe the naked and give his sweaty suit and tie to a nearby Shivering Urchin. Rick Santorum was immediately rejected for having admitted in the past to eating shrimp, which is clearly defined in Leviticus 11:12 as being sinful. And Donald Trump very nearly made it to the third trial of the Jesus Games, as he successfully helped an Old Black Woman cross the street, but ruined his winning streak by wiping his hand on his tailored suit afterward because it felt “unclean.”
As every single GOP candidate gathered in the Losers’ Arena, they felt a rumbling beneath their feet. Since none of the candidates successfully proved their Christianity, The Jesus Games scientifically proved all members of the GOP to be terrorists, and needed to be deported in the interest of America’s safety. Citizens are advised by Jesus Games officials not to worry, as the pilot of the Losers’ Arena/ Surprise Deportation Airplane will be building a wall around the candidates in their new home so that they cannot cause any damage in any other country either.
By Rosie Summers