Entire University Campus Slated For Demolition

LEXINGTON, KY–

This year, the destruction of the student center marked a great change in the UK landscape. However, the administration has an even more ambitious goal in mind: according to campus authorities, they hope to raze all of the remaining buildings to the ground by 2019.

“Once we started knocking down the Student Center, we realized how much fun we were having,” said Ernie Beech, who is leading the newly-coined “denovation” effort. “Bookstore? SMASH! Cafeteria? SMASH! It’s pretty addictive once you get going. So I thought to myself—why stop?”

According to President Capilouto, the ultimate goal is to destroy each building on campus one at a time, build a temporary warehouse-hovel to replace it, and then destroy the temporary structures too. When asked why they didn’t simply level all of the buildings at once, Capilouto merely chortled. “It’s better one at a time,” he said. “This way, students get to feel like progress is actually being made. They begin to hope. Then we can smash that too.”

This grand scheme can be seen in the most recent construction effort, fondly coined the Funkhouser Hill Railing Removal and Re-Railing Project. For several weeks now, construction workers have been tirelessly removing the railing from the hill leading from Bowman’s Den to Funkhouser and replacing it with strikingly similar railing.

“We love the element of surprise this kind of project brings,” said Beech. “I love that perfect moment when a student thinks they’re reaching out to a handrail and instead they fall into the abyss we dug . . . we like to hide in the bushes nearby and watch ‘em tumble down the hill.” Continued Beech, “Students shouldn’t be able to go to class unafraid of rolling down a hill to their deaths—they should be kept on their toes! And then knocked off their toes!”

Capilouto steadfastly denies any possibility that the destruction effort will interfere with the University’s prestigious reputation as Kentucky’s premier institution of higher learning. “Rupp Arena will remain untouched,” Capilouto pointed out. “In lieu of classes, students will be able to spend the fall semester waiting outside the stadium for basketball season to start, and then can press their noses to the glass once the games begin. It’s what they paid for anyway. The heart of the university will remain unchanged.”

By Petunia Frisbie

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