In a recent press conference, NASA released its latest findings that provide the strongest evidence yet that Mars may be able to sustain human—or at least American—life: liquid Coca-Cola flowing on the surface of Mars.
Photographs of the sugary substance, taken by the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter (MRO), confirm that streams of a dark substance that is almost certainly Coca-Cola flow intermittently across the surface of Mars. “The streams ebb and flow,” said NASA researcher Jacob O’bees. “We don’t yet know what causes the natural springs of Coca-Cola to stream forth, but we assume the cycle correlates with Martian sports seasons, probably a form of football, if we had to speculate. But of course more research is needed.”
Christians Opposed to Coca-Kola (COCK), a radical anti-Mars group that has quickly sprung up against this news, has been protesting loudly in ineffective places, such as the Coca-Cola vending machine outside of the local Kroger. “We have known all along Mars is truly a godless place and this finding simply confirms that,” said Betty Strellaski, a COCK lover and supporter. “If God so loved Mars as He so loved our world, He would have created streams of Pepsi to flow forth from the rocky soil, not that sinful beverage of Coke.”
When asked what made Pepsi so much holier than Coke, Strellaski scoffed and walked away. “Clearly you haven’t read enough Leviticus,” she called over her shoulder.
Scientists at NASA have been ignoring COCK and focusing hard on the science. Though intent on determining whether the bubbly liquid substance found is, in fact, Coke, and thus capable of sustaining human life, the Curiosity rover is forbidden to approach the streams for fear of contamination. “There’s no way to sterilize the rover of all its Earth particles and germs, so Curiosity has to stay pretty far away from the streams. So we’ve just been having it throw in Mentos to see if maybe it’s Diet Coke. It seems like the best choice, scientifically speaking,” said NASA rover specialist Rob Ott. When asked what further steps NASA is currently taking to investigate, Ott commented: “If Coca-Cola flows freely on the surface of Mars, it’s not too far of a stretch to think that there might already be some form of humanoid life similar to the average American. So we think the logical next step would be to look for hamburger wrappers fluttering in the breeze like greasy, unhealthy tumbleweeds. Or maybe some napkins stained with Cane’s sauce or something.”
By Rosie Summers