President Capilouto has announced the formation of a new committee called the Totally Real Association of Students Having “Complaints” And “Needs” (TRASHCAN). When asked to explain the quotations around “complaints,” and “needs,” the president declined to answer, instead expanding on the committee’s role. “The administration here at the University of Kentucky is continuously working to make this great school even better for the thousands of students paying exorbitant amounts of money to live and learn on campus. However, we acknowledge that we have, in the past, failed to appropriately address student grievances,” said Capilouto. “In response to this problem, we are recommending that students send all their complaints to the TRASHCAN, led by the very capable Emily Jameston and generously funded by a slight $2,000 tuition increase for all students. This, we firmly believe, will effectively usher in a new era of student contentment at the University of Kentucky.”
Ms. Jameston, a first-year master’s student in Chemical Engineering, explained her plans for the TRASHCAN’s $1.2 million budget. “I’ve listened to a lot of student complaints around campus, and I considered trying to remedy the terrible parking situation, or the incessant shooting off of flares, but then I realized the real problem here is that the toilet paper really sucks. I won’t go into detail, but it does. I mean, the complete lack of tensile strength in the fibers makes it impossible to wipe with any less than 36 sheets. Especially on the second floor of Whitehall,” said Jameston in her press conference last Tuesday. “Anyway, I was told that I would get extra Flex dollars if I headed up this committee thing, so…I think I’m going upgrade everything to Charmin Ultrastrong.” The toilet paper replacement plan will go into effect in the spring of 2016, and will apply to all University of Kentucky bathrooms except for those in the College of Education, because Ms. Jameston reportedly knows a graduate student there who she says, “should have known better.” She did not clarify further, but we assume this refers to her preferences in toilet paper. Our reporter later joined Ms. Jameston by the men’s bathroom on the first floor of the ChemistryPhysics Building, where she was conducting a study to determine whether it would be a better use of TRASHCAN’s immense budget to use Charmin-Ultrastrong as planned or to just leave a stack of $5 bills in the bathroom stall. When asked, as he exited the bathroom, to comment on the current quality of the university toilet paper and the bathroom experience in general, freshman Demetri Istomin said he felt, “uncomfortable.” Sadly, our reporters were unable to reach him for further comment as he hurriedly walked away. However, we feel that the bit of toilet paper clinging desperately to his shoe as he did so stands as testament to the desire for change at the University of Kentucky.
By Jerome Sangria