Scrozy Knit-a-Thon Saturday


Local knitwear chain Auntie Suzie’s is once again hosting its annual knit-a-thon at the community center this Saturday, from 10 AM to 8 PM. Local residents can stop by and make use of the provided yarns, knitting needles and crotchet hooks, as well as the numerous patterns donated by Auntie Suzie herself. Finished products are collected, gift-wrapped, and donated to charity. The six participating homeless shelters and disaster relief funds will be receiving a plethora of scrotum cozies (trademarked the “scrozy”), areola cardigans, penis covers (popularly known as the “woody hoody”), and winter-weight scarves, to keep the community warm this winter! Additional donations from those unable to attend the knit-a-thon can be dropped off at the collection center at any point over the next week. Please note that unacceptable donation items include: earmuffs, socks, leg warmers, headbands, and items made from eyelash yarn. However, yes, your used, never-been-washed, chunky crocheted long johns are indeed acceptable for donation and are wholeheartedly welcomed. Any questions can be directed to Auntie Suzie at (646) 470-9139. So come out this Saturday and get knitting for a good cause: preventing cold shoulders, blue balls, and thermometer nipples for the 2015-2016 winter season. As the store’s slogan states: “Auntie Suzie’s knitwear: it’s like a pillow on yer parts.”

By Chris P. Bacon

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