UK Dining Praised By Food Critics From Around World


Dozens of food critics flocked to UK last Tuesday in order to sample what has been called the “exquisite” taste of UK Dining Services.

“I’ve never tasted anything like it,” well-known food critic Harry Hamilton commented. “It’s, like, barely even food. That’s how good it is.”

Some critics even waxed poetic about their experience with UK Dining. “The food at UK is as high-quality as the toilet paper,” said one critic. “This way, students can feel the love the university has for them both on the way in and on the way out.”

“My absolute favourite thing,” esteemed British critic Flumberbund J. Blimberpotts noted, “is walking into Blazer at around 2:30, away from peak mealtimes, and seeing all the crusty food. I love the crusty food. The slight discolouration… the hard, dry bits…it’s like every trough is just caked with flavour.”

Some critics commented that UK Dining is made great as much by what it lacks as by what it features. Professional food taster Anthony Flibberbottom explains: “I love how, at K-Lair, they used to have a cheesecake on the menu. But then, one day, I was all like, ‘hey, where’s the cheesecake?’, right? But then, you know, I realized, the real cheesecake was, like, in my heart, you know? And that’s what’s really important to students, I think, not, like, the food.”

“I never feel like I’ve had enough,” one critic declared. “Especially at Intermezzo, ever since they decided to go for the more ‘minimalist’ approach to what meal swipes actually pay for. It’s a really bold artistic choice. And that’s what UK Dining food is really about, isn’t it? It’s art.”

“Speaking of UK Dining being like art,” critic Winchester Weatherberry noted, “I particularly like how they’ve incorporated some elements of 20th-century absurdism into their menu prices. Like how at K-Lair, all 3 specialty sandwiches are available for the exact same price, but only two of them are available for a meal swipe, and one is not. Or how you can get a soda as part of a meal swipe at Intermezzo, but not a water. It’s like I’m in Waiting For Godot or something. Very deep. Very metaphorically resonant.”

This comment, of course, sparked an artistic debate amongst the critics. Rival food critic Patthew Petersworth expressed his disagreement with Weatherberry’s classification: “I really think it’s more in line with DaDaism than absurdism. Sure, it’s absurd, but the specific absurdity of the pricing choices really makes you step back and think, ‘huh. World War I was bad,’ you know?”

While they may disagree about just what exactly makes it so great, the overall consensus among all critics has been that UK Dining is some of the most impressively-tasting food they have ever laid their respective taste buds upon. One critic summed it up best when he said, “With food this good, who even needs a Panera?”

By Philly Le’Phlumph

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