LEXINGTON, KY –
A recent pickle rift has come about between customers and a Subway employee at the University of Kentucky Bowman’s Den. New Subway sandwich artist Dorian Cills has been refusing customers the option of having pickles put on their sandwiches, as he claims that pickles are not acceptable within his belief system. Religion has rarely been a problem in the UK food industry, so of course, an uproar followed. Sunday afternoon, a group of outraged customers arrived at the Bowman’s Den Subway demanding that Cills provide them with pickles. Mr. Cills responded negatively, saying he would not supply pickles to any customers, and asked everyone to leave, even going so far as to empty every container of pickles into the trash. When asked under whose authority he was permitted to deny a customer’s basic human right to a sandwich with pickles, he replied only with: “Under Cumbercu’s authority.”
The religion of Cucumbertheism has only recently become publicly known. Created only one year ago by Matthew Schmidt, a man known for his love of produce, Cucumbertheism centers around the belief that cucumbers should be held to the highest respect, in honor of their deity Cumbercu. Because of this, believers find it sinful to pickle cucumbers. This belief comes from chapter 14 of the book of Seeds, which states, “Do not pickle the cucumber which we hold so sacred.” Some strong believers even believe it’s wrong to pickle other produce, and have protested outside the house of Peter Piper, known pepper-pickler.
One angry Subway patron told Cills that he would not be leaving Subway without his pickles. Another demanded that Cills explain himself, claiming that Cills should be fired for his refusal to distribute pickles. Freshman history major Barry Ramon told The Colonel his feelings on the situation: “I’ve never had a sandwich without pickles. Cills is stripping us of a basic human right. Some people believe that our country has been moving forward, but this situation only proves that sometimes we take a step back. The United States still has a long way to go.”
Iris Harper, a marketing major, predicted to our reporters the future of the pickle altercation: “First they’ll take away our pickles, and then our banana peppers, and who knows what could be next? These people have more respect for fruits and vegetables than their fellow man or woman.”
Subway representative Brian Stepien told our journalists that the company is trying to deal with the situation as quickly and as smoothly as possible. As of this morning, Cills was found outside Bowmen’s Den erecting a cucumber statue made of papier-mâché, while dramatically singing “The Dance of the Cucumber” from the popular children’s show VeggieTales. In retaliation to the withholding of toppings, the lines at Chick-fil-a and Panda Express have never been longer. We can only hope that Subway can get out of this pickle soon.
By Suzy Suitcase