It’s been several weeks since the controversial Supreme Court gay marriage ruling, yet the inevitable “holy wrath” of this travesty – foretold by a group of esteemed religious scholars – has yet to come to pass.
“I’ll admit, at first we were stumped,” said Dr. Stewart Howitzer, PhD, of Christian Religious Theology from the University of Phoenix. “We were certain that a transgression of this magnitude would result in immediate apocalyptic activity from our Lord and Savior, or at least a hurricane or something. But, as it turns out, we had just been using atheist calculators when making our earlier predictions. This issue has been effectively resolved, and we now have only reliable, Christian, concrete data.”
When questioned on how apocalyptic predictions were made, Howitzer detailed the apocalypse-point system: “You see, each time America dishonors the word of God, the apocalypse is accelerated by a few hours. However, as we all know, God’s days are as a thousand years to us, so we have to take that into consideration when creating a timetable.”
“Also, as I’m sure you’re aware, the Earth has only been around for about 4,000 years,” Howitzer continued, getting out his Jesus-shaped calculator. “Within the confines of this information, we’re able to establish a point-based ‘Obamination’ system to determine how close we really are to the end times, based on the severity of the transgression. The full scale is quite, quite complicated, but – obviously – the nationwide legality of ‘Supporting the Homos’ and ‘Electing a Muslim President’ scored some massive points in this system.”
When asked about how European gay marriage and the widespread secularism of other continents affected the so-called “Obamination” system, Howitzer merely scoffed. “The damn socialists don’t count,” he explained, proceeding to expound upon how “America is, and always has been, God’s country,” thumping a Bible loudly to prove his point.
Howitzer’s colleague, Dr. Bigo T. Smith of DeVry University, has released the latest, most up-to-date Obamination apocalypse findings. “After much deliberation among the community, we have finally hammered out a foolproof, concrete statement predicting the end-times,” said Smith. “We were even able to verify this with Dr. Kim Davis’s meticulous data collection of Jesus’ face from her breakfast toast – the same foolproof methodology used to justify her recent community outreach in her public sector job.”
When questioned for clarification on the nutritious and fiber-filled methodology of Dr. Davis’ toast collection, she refused to sign our interview release form, but that is only to be expected, as such an impactful research tool would indeed need to be kept on lockdown.
At press time, the final report from Christian scholars everywhere simply stated: “Jesus is coming soon.”
By Johntavius Cena III