Rand “Rando” Paul
Who wants him to win: The NRA, my crazy uncle, 18th century anti-federalists
Who wants him to lose: Ron Paul, so he’s not upstaged by his son.
Favorite My Little Pony Character: Twilight Sparkle
Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Paul: “Government-accountability-flavored.”
Donald “2-Pay” Trump
Who wants him to win: John Cena, Real Americans™
Who wants him to lose: Mexico, Megyn Kelley, countries that enjoy not being bombed
Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Trump: “The flavor Real Americans™ want: Wall-flavored.”
Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Trump: “Formaldehyde.”
Colonel Reporter: “Who would you select as your VP?”
Trump: “I will be hosting a brand-new season of ‘The Apprentice’ to find my new partner in patriotism. We’re adding a WWE-ladder-match-style eliminator this time around, and – while Arnold Schwarzenegger is a strong front-runner – there are a few oth-”
[announcer in tank suddenly bursts through nearby wall]
Announcer: “SEE JOHN CENA COMPETE FOR A SPOT IN THE ULTIMATE AMERICAN, TAG-TEAM, INTERNATIONAL BOMB-A-THON WITH DONALD TRUMPPPP!”
[trumpets blare, Trump nods approvingly]
Colonel Reporter, begrudgingly, after being forced to clean wall-debris in an unpaid position: [sigh] “…what would be your first action as president?”
Trump: “Deport every Mexican. No, anyone that speaks Spanish. You know what, fuck it – deport everybody so I can finally build Trump-Land.”
Chris “Christerson” Christie
Who wants him to win: The entire cast of Jersey Shore
Who wants him to lose: Anybody that frequently drives on bridges
Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Christie: “All of them, obviously.” [ingests an industrial-size bag of jellybeans without pausing to breathe]
Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Christie: “Bridge glue.”
Lindsey “Graham Cracker” Graham
Who wants him to win: Someone, probably.
Who wants him to lose: Is anybody even really invested enough in his campaign to want that? Like, he’s just sort of there, you know?
Favorite jellybean flavor: Like, blueberry, maybe? How should I know?
Did we even bother to interview him? Hell nah.
Carly “Company-Crusher” Fiorina
Who wants her to win: Contrarian republicans, people who think they’re business-savvy
Who wants her to lose: Donald Trump, Hewlett-Packard, people who are actually business-savvy
Colonel Reporter: “Least favorite jellybean flavor?”
Fiorina: “Aborted-fetus-flavored jellybeans.”
Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Fiorina: “You wouldn’t understand it. It’s a new special formula designed for women, but not chosen by women.”
Hillary “Hillary Clinton” Clinton
Who wants her to win: Hillary Clinton. Also Bill, probably.
Who wants her to lose: Sexists, the lady Bill slept with
Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Clinton: “I can neither confirm nor deny that my favorite flavor of jellybean may or may not be a flavor that includes, but is not necessarily limited to, ingredients such as sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, dextrose, maltodextrin, natural and/or artificial flavors, etc.”
Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Clinton: “I glare at it until it stays in place.” [demonstrates glare, immediately solidifying our reporter as he looked directly into her eyes (rookie mistake)]
Replacement reporter, conducting the rest of the interview through protective infrared screen: “Ummmm. Hi…favorite thing to do in your free time?”
Clinton: “Yes, Free Time. I do enjoy occasionally partaking in that quintessential human activity, as I, too, am a human, such as yourself. Ha! Ha! I enjoy having Free Time™, in which I do human things, with all of the human friends that I have, because I am not only just a human, but a Relatable™ one, at that. Ha! Ha! I laugh, because of all of my human emotions.”
Jeb “Better Than My Brother” Bush
Who wants him to win: His mummy, who claims to be “equally proud” of each of her boys, but really has no reason to be, as things currently stand.
Who wants him to lose: George, so he doesn’t lose bragging rights.
Favorite Dewey Decimal Number: 613.96
Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Bush: “Well. Let me tell you my least favorite. It’s terrorism. You know, those Muslim-flavored ones? And my favorite is freedom.”
Colonel Reporter: “…what does freedom taste like?”
Bush: “The liberating taste of a gun in every hand. Also, my dick.
Ben “deGrasse” Carson
Who wants him to win: School shooters, anti-vaxxers
Who wants him to lose: Atheists, non-atheists, people who foolishly think that guns can hurt people
Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Carson: “Science is my favorite flavor, for I am a neurosurgeon.”
Colonel Reporter: “I see. What are your thoughts on climate change?”
Carson: “It’s a trick by Satan designed to turn the nation away from God’s gift of oil. Kind of like fossils. This is all supported by scientific evidence.”
Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Carson: “Did you know that I’m the only presidential candidate to have separated a pair of Siamese twins?”
Bernie “The Rock” Sanders
Who wants him to win: Hippies, Karl Marx
Who wants him to lose: Non-freeloaders who actually contribute to society.
Colonel Reporter: “What’s your favorite jellybean flavor?”
Sanders: “The flavor of justice for the disenfranchised lower classes, who for too long have labored for too little pay under a system that systematically favors the already rich, who then use their wealth to further entrench—”
Colonel Reporter: “Okay, great! Hair product of choice?”
Sanders: “What a dumb question to ask someone running for president. I want to talk about things with actual substance here. Can we please get back to talking about the real issues? Like my favorite jellybean flavor. That was a quality question.”
Colonel Reporter: “Didn’t I see you sprinting majestically through a wind tunnel with wet hair right before this interview to achieve your trademark hairstyle?”
Sanders: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Colonel Reporter: “What would be your first action as president?”
Sanders: “Full-on communist revolution. None of this half-assed shit Obama’s been pulling.
Rick “The Dick” Santorum
Who wants him to win: Anyone involved in running the Salem witch trials. Also his mother, probably.
Who wants him to lose: The gays, and people who hate America. I suppose we could have just saved space by just saying “the gays.” Ink is money, you know.
Batting average: 0.363
Type of tree he wants to grow up to be: Sunland Baobab
Deez Nuts
Who wants him to win: Everyone, really, in their hearts.
