The Colonel’s Presidential Candidate Profiles


Rand “Rando” Paul

Who wants him to win: The NRA, my crazy uncle, 18th century anti-federalists

Who wants him to lose: Ron Paul, so he’s not upstaged by his son.

Favorite My Little Pony Character: Twilight Sparkle

Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Paul: “Government-accountability-flavored.”


Donald “2-Pay” Trump

Who wants him to win: John Cena, Real Americans™

Who wants him to lose: Mexico, Megyn Kelley, countries that enjoy not being bombed

Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Trump: “The flavor Real Americans™ want: Wall-flavored.”

Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Trump: “Formaldehyde.”

Colonel Reporter: “Who would you select as your VP?”
Trump: “I will be hosting a brand-new season of ‘The Apprentice’ to find my new partner in patriotism. We’re adding a WWE-ladder-match-style eliminator this time around, and – while Arnold Schwarzenegger is a strong front-runner – there are a few oth-”
[announcer in tank suddenly bursts through nearby wall]
[trumpets blare, Trump nods approvingly]
Colonel Reporter, begrudgingly, after being forced to clean wall-debris in an unpaid position: [sigh] “…what would be your first action as president?”
Trump: “Deport every Mexican. No, anyone that speaks Spanish. You know what, fuck it – deport everybody so I can finally build Trump-Land.”


Chris “Christerson” Christie

Who wants him to win: The entire cast of Jersey Shore

Who wants him to lose: Anybody that frequently drives on bridges

Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Christie: “All of them, obviously.” [ingests an industrial-size bag of jellybeans without pausing to breathe]

Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Christie: “Bridge glue.”


Lindsey “Graham Cracker” Graham

Who wants him to win: Someone, probably.

Who wants him to lose: Is anybody even really invested enough in his campaign to want that? Like, he’s just sort of there, you know?

Favorite jellybean flavor: Like, blueberry, maybe? How should I know?

Did we even bother to interview him? Hell nah.


Carly “Company-Crusher” Fiorina

Who wants her to win: Contrarian republicans, people who think they’re business-savvy

Who wants her to lose: Donald Trump, Hewlett-Packard, people who are actually business-savvy

Colonel Reporter: “Least favorite jellybean flavor?”
Fiorina: “Aborted-fetus-flavored jellybeans.”

Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Fiorina: “You wouldn’t understand it. It’s a new special formula designed for women, but not chosen by women.”

WASHINGTON, DC - MARCH 23: Former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton speaks at the Center for American Progress March 23, 2015 in Washington, DC. Clinton joined a panel in discussing challenges facing urban centers in the United States. (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

Hillary “Hillary Clinton” Clinton

Who wants her to win: Hillary Clinton. Also Bill, probably.

Who wants her to lose: Sexists, the lady Bill slept with

Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Clinton: “I can neither confirm nor deny that my favorite flavor of jellybean may or may not be a flavor that includes, but is not necessarily limited to, ingredients such as sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, dextrose, maltodextrin, natural and/or artificial flavors, etc.”

Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Clinton: “I glare at it until it stays in place.” [demonstrates glare, immediately solidifying our reporter as he looked directly into her eyes (rookie mistake)]

Replacement reporter, conducting the rest of the interview through protective infrared screen: “Ummmm. Hi…favorite thing to do in your free time?”
Clinton: “Yes, Free Time. I do enjoy occasionally partaking in that quintessential human activity, as I, too, am a human, such as yourself. Ha! Ha! I enjoy having Free Time™, in which I do human things, with all of the human friends that I have, because I am not only just a human, but a Relatable™ one, at that. Ha! Ha! I laugh, because of all of my human emotions.”


Jeb “Better Than My Brother” Bush

Who wants him to win: His mummy, who claims to be “equally proud” of each of her boys, but really has no reason to be, as things currently stand.

Who wants him to lose: George, so he doesn’t lose bragging rights.

Favorite Dewey Decimal Number: 613.96

Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Bush: “Well. Let me tell you my least favorite. It’s terrorism. You know, those Muslim-flavored ones? And my favorite is freedom.”

Colonel Reporter: “…what does freedom taste like?”
Bush: “The liberating taste of a gun in every hand. Also, my dick.


Ben “deGrasse” Carson

Who wants him to win: School shooters, anti-vaxxers

Who wants him to lose: Atheists, non-atheists, people who foolishly think that guns can hurt people

Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?”
Carson: “Science is my favorite flavor, for I am a neurosurgeon.”

Colonel Reporter: “I see. What are your thoughts on climate change?”
Carson: “It’s a trick by Satan designed to turn the nation away from God’s gift of oil. Kind of like fossils. This is all supported by scientific evidence.”

Colonel Reporter: “Hair product of choice?”
Carson: “Did you know that I’m the only presidential candidate to have separated a pair of Siamese twins?”

WASHINGTON, DC - MARCH 28: Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) addresses a rally in support of Social Security in the Dirksen Senate Office Building on Capitol Hill March 28, 2011 in Washington, DC. Sanders and four other Democratic senators, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), said the Republicans' entitlement reform plan will

Bernie “The Rock” Sanders

Who wants him to win: Hippies, Karl Marx

Who wants him to lose: Non-freeloaders who actually contribute to society.

Colonel Reporter: “What’s your favorite jellybean flavor?”
Sanders: “The flavor of justice for the disenfranchised lower classes, who for too long have labored for too little pay under a system that systematically favors the already rich, who then use their wealth to further entrench—”

Colonel Reporter: “Okay, great! Hair product of choice?”
Sanders: “What a dumb question to ask someone running for president. I want to talk about things with actual substance here. Can we please get back to talking about the real issues? Like my favorite jellybean flavor. That was a quality question.”

Colonel Reporter: “Didn’t I see you sprinting majestically through a wind tunnel with wet hair right before this interview to achieve your trademark hairstyle?”
Sanders: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Colonel Reporter: “What would be your first action as president?”
Sanders: “Full-on communist revolution. None of this half-assed shit Obama’s been pulling.


Rick “The Dick” Santorum

Who wants him to win: Anyone involved in running the Salem witch trials. Also his mother, probably.

Who wants him to lose: The gays, and people who hate America. I suppose we could have just saved space by just saying “the gays.” Ink is money, you know.

Batting average: 0.363

Type of tree he wants to grow up to be: Sunland Baobab


Deez Nuts

Who wants him to win: Everyone, really, in their hearts.

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