New Maxwell Place Tenements Offer Affordable Housing, Priceless Experience


After the decision to close the Kirwan and Blanding towers for the fall semester, many have grown concerned about whether there is enough housing for all UK students. Fortunately, innovative thinking within UK Housing has brought about a solution: Maxwell Place Tenements. Dr. Capilouto has generously agreed to open up nearly all of his 45 broom cupboards for student use, our reporters learned today. Matilda Perkins, who is spearheading the renovation efforts, believes that Maxwell Place could be the perfect option for students still hoping for a crappy college dorm experience.

“A frequent complaint we receive at UK Housing is that the new dorms are simply too nice,” said Perkins. “Back in the day, students fought off the freshman fifteen by chasing cockroaches around their rooms. Now, they just sink down into their TempurPedic mattresses and eventually stop getting out of bed entirely. However, we are confident that Maxwell Place will offer precisely the communal living experience students need to realize that they don’t matter as individuals.”

Each cupboard will contain two pairs of bunk beds and eight cardboard boxes for student use, as well as, of course, the Capiloutos’ extensive broom collection. Students may pay $4,000 a semester to sleep in a bed, $3,000 to sleep under a bed, or $2,000 for a box.

“We pride ourselves on accommodating a wide range of budgets,” said Perkins. “If even our box option is too steep, we are also offering students the option to sleep on benches out in the garden for $1,500 a semester.”

When asked how he felt about students living in his house, Dr. Capilouto was enthusiastic. “I’ve always said that we should treat students like they’re a part of the university family,” he said. “Now the students can truly be like a part of my family—specifically my rabid greataunt Maude, whom we shut up in Closet No. 26 in 1994. I’m looking forward to waving at students through the keyholes and watching them use my beloved broom collection to beat away rats and Auntie Maude.”

To create order in the crowded space, students will face a strict curfew. They will be permitted to enter their cupboards at 3 pm and locked inside until 7 am the next morning, whereupon they will be chased outside by broom-wielding RAs. Perkins advises students to be on time for curfew. “In order not to disrupt Dr. Capilouto’s dining rituals, we cannot allow late students inside the building. If left out on the lawn, students are at the mercy of the squirrels that stalk the garden at night, and medical care for squirrel mauling isn’t covered under UK health insurance.”

To make things even cozier, the entire area will be under construction indefinitely—students can get the rugged university experience by climbing over mounds of dirt to get back to their rooms. “Ah, college,” Perkins reminisced. “It just wasn’t a happy day unless I broke a tooth on a cinderblock or lost my textbooks in a dirt pile. I just hope I can help bring some of that experience to today’s students.”

To apply to live in the Maxwell Place Tenements for the spring 2016 semester, students may fill out an application at abandonhopeallyewhoenterhere.

By Petunia Frisbie

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