To the astonishment of everybody, with the possible exception of Donald Trump, Donald Trump continues to gain favor within the American electorate. A Donald Trump rally last Sunday saw supporters frothing with fervor for their favorite presidential candidate. As Trump pulled up to the rally in his private helicopter-limo adorned with ads for The Apprentice, cheers erupted from the crowd.
“He’s not all about money like those other politicians, you know?” one supporter commented. “Not backed by corporations or anything. He’s just a regular guy, like you and me.”
Trump made several rousing speeches at the rally, drumming up support from his base with bold claims of what he would do if he were president.
“I want to destroy all Mexicans!” Trump cried, to uproarious applause. “He says what we’re all thinking,” one supporter said. “That’s why I like him. He’s a real down-to-earth guy.”
Several women approached Trump in the middle of the rally, requesting that he kiss, autograph, lick, or otherwise bless their respective babies. Trump acquiesced, to the joy of the mothers and the slight confusion of the babies. The crowd raved and roared with approval as Trump denounced his competitors. “The other candidates are all pussies!” Trump cried. “Like, literally,” he elaborated. “They’re pussies. Like, cats. I think they’re all secretly cat-people. It’s this whole conspiracy. They’ve been slowly infiltrating the government over the past twenty years or so. And when’s the last time you saw a cat-person keep a campaign promise?”
“You know,” mused one supporter, sporting a shirt with a graphic burning effigy of Barack Obama mixed with Osama Bin Laden, “He’s got some strange ideas, but at least they’re his own ideas, you know? He believes in them. He’s really a guy with heart.”
“Also, I want to kill all cats. That’s another thing.” Trump elaborated. “I’m more of a dog person.” Trump also used this rally to elaborate further on his foreign policy. “We should go to war with every country!” he declared, as the audience roared in approval. “None of this diplomacy nonsense. ISIS? Bombed. Iran? Bombed. Korea? Bombed. Both of ‘em. Canada? Bombed. Maybe a few states, too. Like Kansas. Is there even anything in Kansas? Like at all? Well, there will be under my presidency: bombs.”
“He’s a no-nonsense, says-what’s-on-his-mind kind of dude. Not like other politicians,” one supporter said. “Also, I love his hair.” If that supporter liked Trump’s hair in the middle of the rally, then he was surely bound to love it at the end. Near the end of the rally, Trump’s hair turned into a flock of ravens, which spread across the sky, blocking out the sun, and his mouth widened until it became an entrance to the Great Oblivion. At this point, he spoke with the voice of a Thousand Screams, and declared, “I Am Darkness, Lord Of Despair,” vowing that he was the End of all love and happiness in the world.
“What a cool dude,” one supporter noted.
By Philly Le’Phlumph