Month: November 2015

UK Forms Committee To Address Student Complaints

LEXINGTON, KY– President Capilouto has announced the formation of a new committee called the Totally Real Association of Students Having “Complaints” And “Needs” (TRASHCAN). When asked to explain the quotations around “complaints,” and “needs,” the president declined to answer, instead expanding on the committee’s role. “The administration here at the University of Kentucky is continuously… Read More UK Forms Committee To Address Student Complaints

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UK Dining Praised By Food Critics From Around World

LEXINGTON, KY– Dozens of food critics flocked to UK last Tuesday in order to sample what has been called the “exquisite” taste of UK Dining Services. “I’ve never tasted anything like it,” well-known food critic Harry Hamilton commented. “It’s, like, barely even food. That’s how good it is.” Some critics even waxed poetic about their… Read More UK Dining Praised By Food Critics From Around World

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Gay Marriage Continues To Not Cause Apocalypse; Leading Christian Scholars Flummoxed

TOPEKA, KS– It’s been several weeks since the controversial Supreme Court gay marriage ruling, yet the inevitable “holy wrath” of this travesty – foretold by a group of esteemed religious scholars – has yet to come to pass. “I’ll admit, at first we were stumped,” said Dr. Stewart Howitzer, PhD, of Christian Religious Theology from… Read More Gay Marriage Continues To Not Cause Apocalypse; Leading Christian Scholars Flummoxed

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The Colonel’s Presidential Candidate Profiles

Rand “Rando” Paul Who wants him to win: The NRA, my crazy uncle, 18th century anti-federalists Who wants him to lose: Ron Paul, so he’s not upstaged by his son. Favorite My Little Pony Character: Twilight Sparkle Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?” Paul: “Government-accountability-flavored.” Donald “2-Pay” Trump Who wants him to win: John Cena, Real Americans™ Who wants him… Read More The Colonel’s Presidential Candidate Profiles

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Taco Bell Runs Out of Secret Ingredient

LEXINGTON, KY– For the better part of a semester on campus, Taco Bell has supplied for students the savory, inexpensive, and “totally healthy” solution to their late-night Mexican food cravings. From its destination just inside the front doors of The 90, a line of eagerly anticipatory students can usually be seen wrapping around the perimeter… Read More Taco Bell Runs Out of Secret Ingredient

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