The Colonel’s Sports Section

Calipari Salary Surpasses Kentucky GDP

“It’s a worthwhile investment in what we feel really matters in our university today,” affirms UK President Eli Capitalism. “Hell—maybe we’ll even allocate some money for our students to live in the stadium we just bought for the ungrateful little—”

In related news, Calipari is now leading in state gubernatorial polls, despite not actually entering the race.

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UK Fans Show Their Support as UK Football Team Fights Valiantly in Come-From-Behind Win Against 31-Point-Underdog EKU

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Louisville Prostitution Company Now Accepting Meal Swipes

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Mexican Soccer Team Defeats USA 3-2; Thousands of Mexican Soccer Fans Trapped After Trump Erects Wall Around Stadium

“It’s one thing for these drug-smuggling rapists to destroy our country, but destroying our soccer team was the last straw,” Trump asserts.

Local citizen Martin Martinez responds, “I, for one, am thankful for Mr. Trump’s safe haven from dangerous drug cartels. He’s a pretty relatable guy, really, when it comes down to it.”

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UK Softball Player Comes Out As Straight

“How are all of my teammates going to trust my skills if I throw like a girl?” Bertha Mathers, UK softball player, exclaimed emotionally after publicly coming out as straight, shocking her teammates and fans. “I’ve been living a lie for years. I’ve tried the basketball shorts, the baseball caps—I’ve even sat with my legs uncrossed, taking up as much space as possible. But, deep down, I’ve always yearned to wear a padded bra…to wear a dress without judgement…to feel the warm embrace of a loving man…is that so wrong? I don’t think so.”

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Record 19 Viewers in Attendance as UK Cheerleading Team Wins 21st National Championship

Meh.

 

By Johntavius Cena III

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