UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

LEXINGTON—On the evening of Sunday, September 28, University of Kentucky basketball player Dakari Johnson threw a fellow student dramatically off the roof of Kirwin Tower. Unsurprisingly, the student, an engineering junior named Beatrice Wilson, was killed on impact. The resulting mess and vague UK Alerts alarmed the entire campus while campus police tried to figure… Read More UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

Obama Enters Existential Crisis over Fate of Fruit Fly

“Why should I have the right to decide the fate of living beings?” a visibly shaken Obama was heard asking himself this Wednesday, upon noticing a fly soundlessly circling around a fruit basket on the White House countertop. According to psychic reporters on the scene, Obama’s initial instinct to swat the fly was quickly outweighed… Read More Obama Enters Existential Crisis over Fate of Fruit Fly