The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Sharp: Symbol (#) used to raise a note by a half-step (See also: hashtag).
Flat: Synonymous with: not much fun to talk to, probably kind of desperate, usually terrible in bed.
Natural: Not wearing deodorant.
Fermata: Holding out a note or rest, often used to facilitate the changing of a musical thought. For example, gossiping on the phone about your roommate’s promiscuity as she unlocks the door, necessitating a swift topic change to Game of Thrones. “Oh my God, she’s such a who—HODOR man, he is JUST the BEST. Also I heard he’s gay.”
Canon: Musical form in which pirates fire large metal spheres at your music stand while you’re trying to play.
Allegro: The walking speed that would totally get you to White Hall on time if everyone else would figure out how to use a damn sidewalk.
Andante: The walking speed of the asshole texting and meandering in front of you.
Falsetto: If these fall out of a lady’s shirt, you’re probably talking to an inept drag queen.
Piano: The volume you wish your horny upstairs neighbors would maintain.
Forte: The volume said neighbors inevitably crescendo to.
Percussion: Any instrument involving hitting or smashing; for example, hitting the broom on your ceiling in a steady rhythm/not-so-secret message to your goddamn neighbors.
Glissando: Stylistic slide between two notes, can be used to hide the fact that you don’t know what note to play (see also: recovering from tripping over your own feet).
Chord: Long string, usually made of hemp or twisted fibers, can be used for tying up newspapers or significant others.
Intermezzo: I think that’s like a café?
Minor: Seriously, wait like three months to bang her. And don’t give her Natty Light.

Byline: Al Toe

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