Pumpkin Pie Recipe!


One pumpkin, medium-sized.

For fullest celebration of the season, force your neighbors out of their home, wait until they grow a pumpkin, then use this specific pumpkin for your recipe. Don’t forget to invite your neighbors over for dinner to say thank you!

Whipped cream.

Depending on the cream, you may prefer to use a bullwhip, stockwhip, or riding crop. Remember, always establish a safeword before baking.

Brown sugar.

For maximum political correctness, refer to sugar as “African-American sugar” no matter where it’s actually from.


To make the Thanksgiving meal feel like a true genocidal attack against a species, use turkey eggs. Make the turkey you’ve cooked stare you in the eye and understand that you are just badass enough of a chef to kill its entire family.


Preferably Ginger, Baby, Sporty, Scary, and Posh. Four out of five will do if Scary Spice is packed away in the attic with the other Halloween decorations.

Cardboard and other brown things from around your house.


1) To fully get into the holiday spirit, put on a Thanksgiving-themed playlist, including (but not limited to) “Gratitude” by Paul McCartney, “Thankful” by Kelly Clarkson, and “Cherokee Nation” by Paul Revere and the Raiders.

2) Preheat oven to your favorite prime number between 200 and 700. Fahrenheit, of course.

3) Carefully remove top of pumpkin with carving knife. Remove pumpkin innards and place in blender. Blend seeds, pulp, and all the gooshy stuff until sufficiently mixed, then set aside in bowl.

4) Carve the rest of the pumpkin artfully. Pour your soul into the rendering of this fruity masterpiece. Then turn to answer your phone or check a tweet or something and accidentally elbow it off the counter into a gruesome mess on the floor. Instagram that shit to receive maximum sympathy, then get a dog or kid or something to come clean it up. You gotta get back to baking.

5) Mix blended pumpkin mixture, brown sugar, two eggs, and ground spices together in a bowl. Set aside. Let chill, but not in refrigerator. Stare with the icy chill of a cockblocked polar bear. Twenty minutes or so of this should do.

6) Collect cardboard and other small brown objects from your home and seal carefully in a gallon-sized Ziploc bag. Be sure to let out as much air as possible before sealing. Use a mortar and pestle or heavy frozen body part to crush this mixture into crumbs, then shake the bag well to mix up your crust mixture. Pour into pie tin and spread evenly, then distribute pumpkin mixture.

7) Bake for however long it takes you to write out your Black Friday shopping list, because you’ll be too tired to finish that after your huge Thanksgiving dinner. You might as well get a jump on that now.

8) Don’t forget to turn off the oven, if it’s yours. If you’re still in the house you appropriated from your neighbors, eh. Your call. Let pie cool for twenty minutes or so before serving. Cut into equal slices and serve with vigor.

Makes roughly 3.14159265359 servings.

by Granny Smyth Apple

One thought on “Pumpkin Pie Recipe!

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