Features to Be Included In New Student Center

Excited about the brand new Student Center? We sure are! Here’s are some features that the multi-million dollar facility is reportedly going to include:

• state-of-the-art ping-pong tables
• chocolate milk fountains
• a teleport to the Classroom Building
• whites-only dining hall
• free popcorn
• three Room 251s (one on each floor)
• Tommy Two-Tats’ Tattoo Parlor
• 3D printer that only prints actual wildcats
• Bosch’s original The Garden of Earthly Delights
• a damsel in distress
• the Friends of Coal Coal-ditorium
• a friendly, but not too friendly, staff
• anti-missile defense systems
• indoor ski slopes
• coal-powered Slushie machines in dining hall
• staircase that leads to the pit of despair (but only on Tuesdays)
• a wise old man you can go to for advice
• Sbarro!

by Jeff Lipscomb

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