According to reports from a variety of authorities on UK’s campus, the University of Kentucky is undergoing the nation’s first case of invasive lawn chairs, which cropped up seemingly overnight and refuse to be eradicated.
“I don’t know where they came from and they won’t go away. They won’t go away!” UK Landscaping Professional Mark Greehan said anxiously and repeatedly, in rather a louder tone of voice than our reporters deemed strictly necessary, before rocking back and forth in a corner and staring hauntedly at the wall.
Several exterminators have been called in but, despite the use of a staggering variety of pesticides that, combined, have probably already killed at least half of the squirrels on campus, they have been unable to make a dent in the chair population. In fact, it continues to grow at an alarming rate.
“They used to just be in front of the visitors’ center, and now they’re, like, under trees, and in between sorority houses and shit. I don’t even know, man,” said concerned citizen Joseph Belmont. “They’re, like, not even Kentucky blue. Or white. Or wildcat-colored. I didn’t even know other colors existed. I can’t handle this. Why won’t they just leave?”
As of press time, president Eli Capilouto has discovered that the chairs are, in fact, sentient, and is recommending several lumberjacks be imported from Canada to dispatch the chairs through a combination of tribal beaver chants, fire, and positive thinking.
by Rosie Summers