University of Kentucky Council of Elders Approves Capilouto’s Salary Increase

Following the UK Board of Trustees’ decision to increase President Eli Capilouto’s salary from the paltry $500,000 a year he currently makes to a more manageable $525,000 in mid-September, the final vote was passed on to the Council of Elders. The only true governing body of the University, The Council of Elders’ decision has been eagerly awaited by all students and faculty, from the greenest of freshmen to the most senile of tenured professors.

Deep beneath the bowels of Patterson Office Tower, where the steam vents are said to sometimes run red with the rage of old gods, the Council of Elders convened in this special-case meeting last Thursday. The Council typically only meets under the glow of a harvest moon, but with such a pressing matter as the President’s salary, an exception was made. A Colonel reporter was present at the Council’s summit to detail the inner workings of this, the most mysterious of campus governments.

Led by the decayed head of the University’s first President, James Kennedy Patterson, sitting atop a robotic crab-body, the Council is made up of twelve other hooded figures that speak through voice-altering devices to help conceal their identities. The Council Chambers are large, hexagonal, and feature a crescent shaped tabled with Patterson seated in the middle and six figures on either side of him. The floor is a reinforced glass-like material that allows all visitors to look down below them and see the abyss, lit only by the distant flickering of the Earth’s core. Behind the Council is a wall of pure obsidian rock wherein the names of the most respected of UK alumni appear. Happy Chandler, Ashley Judd, and Strom the High Necromancer have all signed this prestigious monument.

After allowing for all newcomers to acclimate to the chamber Thursday, the Council began its deliberations. It did not take long for the thirteen person body to unanimously agree to Capilouto’s raise, with the exception of a figure two seats from Patterson’s left. Only after an amendment to the decision was added, declaring that the souls of all faculty members who actively voiced their opinions against the inflation of Capilouto’s salary were to be brought before the Council and vigorously devoured, did this mysterious member agree to the change.

At the conclusion of the gathering, the thirteen Council members were enveloped by the cold shadows gathering in the corners of the room and vanished, leaving this reporter with an unshakable feeling of having lost some aspect of humanity that can never be regained.

by Kurt Hornsby

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