Sub-subbasement of Kastle Hall Hopefully Not Psychological Torture Chamber

Upon accidentally mentioning his TA’s office location in the sub-subbasement of Kastle Hall, UK psychology professor Phillip Stubbins spent the next forty-two minutes categorically denying the existence of any psychological torture equipment or secret experiments on psych students that “definitely do not happen anywhere, and if they did it probably wouldn’t be here.”

Noted brownnoser Jeanie Rivera’s attempts to find out how to get to the TA’s office resulted in seven solid minutes of “it’s definitely not through a maze full of intermittent electric shocks and blindingly bright lights, if that’s what you were thinking, and I don’t know why you would be thinking that, because that’s totally not true, stop assuming,” from the professor.

From weirdly specific denials heard by, like, five students, tops, the professor moved on to covering the class content, exam dates, and so on. The perfunctorily covered syllabus reportedly included such creative features as “dietary specifications for the semester,” which appeared to specifically forbid liquids of all kinds, and a form for students to fill out and return, which asked for interesting get-to-know-you questions such as “what kind of music do you hate the most?”, “do you have any lethal allergies?”, “Which is worse, not blinking for a day or not swallowing for a week?”, and “who is your next of kin?”

As apathetic students rose from their fifty-minute slumber and pinterest-comas to shuffle out of the classroom, the professor repeatedly became more and more agitated, gaining significant volume denying unmade accusations (“Seriously, stop asking these prying questions! We’ve hardly had anyone die this semester, what’s your problem? The ritual lab rat sacrifices are necessary so the science gods will love us! Go away, I have to go do a science!”), which, as everyone knows, was pointless, due to the memory-erasing gas each psych student is sprayed with upon exiting Kastle Hall.

by Rosie Summers

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