China Expands Surveillance State

Hundreds protested in the streets of Beijing yesterday after the Chinese government announced plans to employ two million “public opinion analysts” with the duty of patrolling comments on social media websites. China has long been accused of stifling citizens’ freedom, especially that dealing with Internet access. The most famous incident occurred last spring, during the… Read More China Expands Surveillance State

2014 Budget Revealed: Faculty Salaries Completely Cut

E. Britt Brockman, Chair of the UK Board of Trustees, released the 2014-2015 budget on Monday. To exactly no one’s surprise, the budget reveals a startling swathe of radical new cuts. What was surprising was that faculty salaries have been completely removed from the budget. “Honestly, I was shocked,” said sociology assistant professor, Dr. Elizabeth… Read More 2014 Budget Revealed: Faculty Salaries Completely Cut

I LOVE THE NSA!

Whether you’re a student preparing for midterms, a professor taking a well-earned break from grading, or a journalist sitting at your computer while a man in a black suit holds a loaded gun to the back of your head, you’ve probably heard of the National Security Agency. This hitherto unheard of agency came into the… Read More I LOVE THE NSA!

Features to Be Included In New Student Center

Excited about the brand new Student Center? We sure are! Here’s are some features that the multi-million dollar facility is reportedly going to include: • state-of-the-art ping-pong tables • chocolate milk fountains • a teleport to the Classroom Building • whites-only dining hall • free popcorn • three Room 251s (one on each floor) •… Read More Features to Be Included In New Student Center

Syria Bombs US

According to numerous sources, including The Colonel’s own foreign correspondent to the Pacific Northwest, Syria has just bombed Damascus, Oregon. The details appear to be fuzzy at this point, yet multiple reputable sources, including the Weekly World News, the Sun, the Sunday Sport, and the New York Times have corroborated, and are now working on… Read More Syria Bombs US

Invasive Multicolored Lawn Chairs Plague Campus

According to reports from a variety of authorities on UK’s campus, the University of Kentucky is undergoing the nation’s first case of invasive lawn chairs, which cropped up seemingly overnight and refuse to be eradicated. “I don’t know where they came from and they won’t go away. They won’t go away!” UK Landscaping Professional Mark… Read More Invasive Multicolored Lawn Chairs Plague Campus

University of Kentucky Council of Elders Approves Capilouto’s Salary Increase

Following the UK Board of Trustees’ decision to increase President Eli Capilouto’s salary from the paltry $500,000 a year he currently makes to a more manageable $525,000 in mid-September, the final vote was passed on to the Council of Elders. The only true governing body of the University, The Council of Elders’ decision has been… Read More University of Kentucky Council of Elders Approves Capilouto’s Salary Increase

College Sophomore is Dumped by Boyfriend, Soothed by Beyoncé

Earlier this week, Sophomore Hailey Miller’s boyfriend broke up with her. Last night she created the Ultimate Break-Up playlist consisting only of Beyoncé songs. “Music is what feelings feel like and her words are my emotions. She’s the epitome of the strong woman I aspire to be,” Hailey remarked when asked what drew her to… Read More College Sophomore is Dumped by Boyfriend, Soothed by Beyoncé