UK Loses to Western In One For the Ages

It is the beginning of another season, folks, and with it comes this year’s version of the Kentucky Wildcats. Touting an Air Raid offense behind the arm of Maxwell Smith and the legs of Jalen Whitlow, Kentucky lost their first game of the season to Western Kentucky, our lesser-known and slightly country cousins of the Sun Belt. No one thought it was possible that we could lose two years in a row to a team whose mascot is a hill, but then again those people don’t know Kentucky football.

Many members of Wildcat Nation had their perspectives to give after the game: “Today, Mr. Stoops coached his first game as a Wildcat; and honestly, we could not be more proud of him. He really gave it his all out there,” an ecstatic Eli Capilouto posted after the game on his go-to social network, whitemaleadministrators.com. “That’s really all you can ask from a coach in the strongest conference in the NCAA playing his first game against an opponent who only recently joined the FBS.”

Although the outcome of the game was somewhat of a disappointment, UK faithful still remained very upbeat and the overall takeaway was positive: “He really looked befuddled about how his defense seemed incapable of stopping Western Kentucky’s offense, and that’s the mark of someone who’s trying hard to coach,” exclaimed Bryan James, a sophomore. “We’re just glad he took the job; after Joker left we weren’t sure whether the administration might just annex football and have Calipari coach.”

Calipari, however, reportedly declined the offer. A copy of a memo from Calipari’s office to Capilouto’s was obtained by this newspaper; in it, Calipari, though very concerned with the future of the football team, points out the multitudinous shortcomings of the plan: “Look, Eli, we can’t pay every player. That only works with basketball ‘cause so few people are on the team.”

Regardless of who’s coaching, the Big Blue Nation still has much to look forward to this season: new offense, new personnel, and most excitingly, the death-punk version of “My Old Kentucky Home” that will now play after games. Set to nostalgic images from Kentucky history, including the beginning of coal mining and the growth of tobacco, the new theme music and video show fans that this season, things are going to be different.

“We believe!” the signs at games often say. Yes, Kentucky football, we still do believe. We faithful are still clinging to that last bit of hope in you, our team, to finally take us to the forefront of SEC football. At the end of the day, we are here to support you, come hell or high water.

…but for the love of God at least try to complete the PATs -_-

By INSERT PSUEDONYM

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