Organized Reading of Torah Largely Ignored


The free speech zone was occupied today by a number of the University’s Jewish students holding a public reading of what will, by the event’s end, be the entirety of the Written Torah, or Tanakh.

Using anonymously donated scrolls (called ‘Sifrei Torah’) and ornate sticks (called ‘page pointers’), students stood in the 85° weather reciting long passages of the Books of Moses. Sophomore Abigail Katz began the reading with the first passages of Bereishith, or Genesis to those not well-versed in the written scriptures of Yahweh.

University of Kentucky student reception to the event has been mild. One student, a large young man wearing headphones, declined to comment or even acknowledge the existence of Colonel reporters on the scene. Robert Williams, a Junior Linguistics major, scoffed at the readers’ attempts at mimicking traditional Jewish accents during the endeavor. When asked how to properly mime such sounds, Williams looked to his phone and informed us that he “had to get going”.

A representative of UK’s official Jewish Student Organization, Hillel, had this to say about today’s portion of the reading: “I’m overwhelmed by the attention we received! I personally counted three people glancing over at us as they walked along. That’s a 100% increase over last year already, and we still have three days left!”

Soon after the day’s reading concluded, the University of Kentucky Public Relations department boasted about how diverse the campus community is. A Colonel poll of the student population, conducted only moments ago, reveals that Protestant Wildcats who walked by the event do not care any less about themselves for being exposed to a distinctly Judaic influence. According to an advanced statistical analysis, the average W.A.S.P. Wildcat’s perspective of their world in fact shrunk on the Self-Absorbed Scale from “Maybe I Am Selfish” to “Complete Megalomaniac, Here’s a Link to my Blog”.

“I didn’t even see them there,” explained one extra-W.A.S.P.y sophomore, John Ryan. “And, besides, there was a Breaking Bad rerun on during the reading. I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about Breaking Bad here.”

Traditional Jewish leader and Lord Almighty, God, was also reached for comment regarding the day’s event and outlook for the following three days of non-stop Torah action, but had yet to respond at press time.

By Kurt Hornsby

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