A new study funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has revealed that more than 80 percent of dentists feel that all patients should just fuck off. A majority of the clinicians polled answered that, in their expert opinion, the public can “just stop flossing once and for all; see if I give a shit.” One visibly agitated respondent even added that she strongly recommends that the average member of general American populace “eats a pile of bricks and washes it down with a 2-liter of bleach while they’re at it”. A growing (albeit statistically insignificant) irritation with patients was evident. More than half of the participants claimed that they have battled urges to drill into patients’ gums and all 236 dentists participating in the study responded that they would rather disembowel their favorite pet with their bare hands than deal with another client bitching about the smell of their office. As of press time, all but three of the nation’s dentists muttered, “I don’t need this shit,” and took a double-shot of Jim Beam.
By Kevin Elpenor