Jesus Christ, Calm Down – An Exclusive Opinion Piece by J.K. Rowling

Ever since Warner Brothers announced my new project, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the world has literally been over swept with the affection and salty, salty tears of Harry Potter’s fans. My fans.

It’s great that everyone in the world, from aristocrats to starving Ethiopian children, are excited for this new project from me, BAFTA award winning authoress J.K. Rowling. I really do mean that, from the bottom of my heart. However, and I really need to stress this next bit, it would be great if all of you would calm down for a moment and step back from whatever ledge you have gathered around.

It has been two years since the last Harry Potter film released. And while I realize that for many of you that has been a criminally long reprieve from the magic of my Wizarding World™, it has also been just twenty-four months. Twenty-six if we want to get technical. In the grand scheme of things, it hasn’t been all that long. Honest.

I’m not even sure when this next bloody movie is coming out. I haven’t finished the script, that much I can tell you, but now I’m seriously concerned about the well-being of the world stage if I don’t get a move on. I already feel like, after such a short period’s worth of reception, that I need to get this film out there before you people start hurting one another. I’m scared for your well-being over here! I was 200% ready to take my time and write, like, three or four films for the hell of it, but now I’m gonna have to push these out like some kind of rabid Chizpurfle.

Look, I am not saying you shouldn’t be excited for more Harry Potter. Everyone should be because the continuation of stories set within my Wizarding World™ is the best thing to happen to fiction since the concept originally came to me while dumpster-diving for a half-finished butter roll back in ’94. Just control your excitement before you all end up exploding like some kind of exploding fantastical creature…

Phoenix. Phoenix was the word I was looking for.

By J.K. Rowling

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