Stoops to Recruit from CSF

Lexington – Mark Stoops has begun his reign as the new University of Kentucky head football coach. With all the hype having surrounded his coming, the year kicked off with a less-than-stellar performance against Western Kentucky University, losing 26-35. Even though the win against Miami (Ohio) a week later pushed the WKU game to the back of people’s minds, Stoops still couldn’t ignore the fact that his defense allowed Western to score 35 points. Western. “Mentally, we’re just not tough enough right now,” commented Stoops. “It was hard to watch Western pound on my defense like that. Like, really hard. Like, watching paraplegic kittens getting slowly crushed by a steamroller hard…Anyway, my heart can’t take another butt-whippin’ like that again, so I’ve decided to recruit the meanest, most bloodthirsty maniacs this campus has to offer.”

Stoops took his coaching staff and recruiters to watch the CSF’s water balloon fight on September 6. He’d heard how the CSF “security” personnel had a reputation of Goldberg-ing anyone who dared cross the yellow tape before the event started, but he wasn’t prepared for what he saw that night. “Not only was the trespasser just absolutely crushed by the first security respondent, five more of his buddies felt the need to join in on the action using elbows, knees, and everything in between to handle the already-detained field rusher. I’ve never seen such thirst for violence. It’s just what we need.”

The Colonel met with one of the smug security guards after the event to discuss the training that the staff had to undergo. “Well, we really didn’t train, per se; we just played Smear the Queer for a few hours every night a couple weeks before the event. We’ve been getting a lot of flak lately on how we handled some of the situations that arose during the water balloon fight, but we’re just doing God’s work. If our job is to spear an infidel who crosses the yellow tape into oblivion, and then hold him there so our friends can jump in on some of the action, then so be it. Not to mention, living your entire life turning the other cheek will catch up to you. It’s nice to let out some aggression.”

“Yeah these people are just nuts. I’m ready for our program to turn around and the CSF security staff is the key,” said Coach Stoops. “The one problem we’ll have is teaching them that they can’t continue to dog-pile onto one person and handcuff them after the play is over. That’s…that’s a penalty.”

by Bernie Bernstein

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