The worst has certainly happened, my friends. It appears that the University of Kentucky, with its new facilities, its nationally ranked athletics, and its unlimited promise for excellent academic opportunities, has opened its doors to the evil of the north. Yes, it appears that this year, record numbers of the dreaded Northerners have flooded our outer defenses of Greek life and Southern hospitality. As true Southerners, we cannot let this happen.
I understand the principle of bettering the University of Kentucky, but bettering the University should not compromise our Southern way of living. I’ve seen them with my one good eye. Walking by Whitehall, seas of students without southern accents walk from class to class with little to no resistance. They typically wear European brands of clothes, flaunting their “hip” fashion style while completely disregarding the strict University dress code of a Southern Tide button-down, Polo dress shorts, and boat shoes. They quickly steal the Southern tradition of croakies fastened to the ends of their Ray Bans, and they attend football games in what we would consider athletic apparel. I could go into their involvement with Greek life, but any Greek organization worth their salt would never consider actually permitting them to join.
Yes, the influx of Northerners on our beloved Southern campus may lend itself to the quickly rising status of the University in the academic world, but I believe their motives to be much, much more sinister. Our sweet tea depot located on central campus behind the library, which is heavily guarded at all times, has been infiltrated, and I think we all know who is to blame. Two Keys has increased their inventory of exotic vodkas and fruity-flavored beers, but the owners of that fine North Campus establishment know very well that us Southerners exclusively drink single-barrel, good-time-bearing whiskey. Our soccer team is now heavily supported, and, despite being a University sport, we all know that real Southerners, especially Southerners at the University of Kentucky, only support God’s gift, football, and Jesus’s pastime, basketball. The writing’s on the wall, my friends.
All I’m asking is that you, my fellow Southerners, do your part. If you see a swarm of life-long Boston Red Sox fans aimlessly checking their myUK app on their smartphones and asking people for directions, give them directions to Fenway Park. If you see someone taking longer than five seconds to order at the Southern-only commodity that is Raisin’ Canes, step up and order them a chicken sandwich, no fries and extra slaw. If you so much as casually overhear a student ask for unsweetened ice tea at Commons, knock their drink off of their tray. This is the University of Kentucky, and we are a Southern University. The Northerners need to take their lifestyle and their prospects of a premium higher education elsewhere. Ride on.