LEXINGTON, KY –
It is unfortunate that we did not get to enjoy another exhilarating March Madness run this season. That being said, it’s never too early to start getting excited about the next one. The Colonel looks at what has been deemed the number-one recruiting class of all time.
Andrew Harrison. PG. 6’5’’
A six-foot-five point guard, Harrison will have a huge advantage against opposing point guards, in that he will most likely be taller than they are.
Aaron Harrison. SG. 6’5’’
Exactly the same as his twin brother in every single aspect of basketball, physique, personality, and life in general, except that he shoots the ball a lot instead of dribbling and passing a lot.
Julius Randle. PF. 6’9’’
Admittedly, his basketball mixtape is better than his hip-hop mixtape, but expect Coach Cal to help him out with both his rhyme schemes and flow.
James Young. SG. 6’6’’
Young’s intense facial features, confident demeanor, and basketball prowess all suggest that in the coming year he will most likely be getting a good amount of pussy on campus.
Marcus Lee. PF. 6’9’’
Lee has been ranked as the eighteenth-best recruit in the nation, meaning that he needs to step his shit up if he doesn’t want to spend all season on the bench.
Dakari Johnson. C. 6’10’’
The field reporter who was supposed to do the scouting on Johnson has been missing since Spring Break so we have no information on him to provide you with for now.
Derek Willis. PF. 6’8”
The only three-star recruit in a class of five-star recruits, Willis has been selected for his solid mechanics on patting teammates on the back and saying “good job.”
A horse. ? 5’5’’
Averaging 0 points and 0 assists a game, recruiters aren’t sure what Calipari is planning to do with the horse, but The Colonel speculates it will be utilized for nasty slam dunk tricks in blowout games.
T’Variusness King. SF. 6’7’’
The small forward sophomore is transferring from Merrimack College, where he was a tight end on a football scholarship. King is the latest football prodigy to try his luck with basketball, following in the footsteps of point guard D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde,and center Ozamataz Buckshank.
Enes Canter. C. 6’11’’
Canter is a highly rated prospect out of Stoneridge Prep School. He’s expected to make a significant impact on the court right away. There is literally no way that he will be deemed ineligible by the NCAA.
Tommy Pinkston. PF. 4’7’’
Pinkston comes from Julius Marks Elementary School. Tall for his age, and almost able to dribble a regulation-sized ball with one hand now, Pinkston probably won’t start until his junior or senior year.
Daniel Day-Lewis. PG. 6’2’’
Best known for his roles in Lincoln, There Will Be Blood, and Gangs of New York, Day-Lewis will spend the rest of the preseason perfecting his basketball touch through method acting.
Deborah Wiltjer. PG. 5’4’’
Rounding out the class, one-star recruit Deborah Wiltjer will be brought in to give her son a warm hug and let him know that everything will be alright anytime he gets a boo-boo.
BY MANFRED FLOORBOARD