Capilouto’s Farts to be Sponsored by Friends of Coal

Friends of Coal today announced that they will be sponsoring every single fart from President Capilouto during the remainder of his time at UK.

In a press conference today, reporters asked Friends of Coal spokesman Bobby Pruett why his group would want to sponsor Capilouto’s farts, and why now?

“The first rule of marketing,” Pruett said, “is that you’ve got to get people’s attention. And friends, when the President of this university farts audibly, say at a board meeting or a press conference, that gets people’s attention. Because Mr. Capilouto’s farts are a great way to get people’s attention, we want them to think of us immediately and often when he breaks wind.”

As for the “Why now?” question, Pruett elaborated.

“Truth be told, we were running out of things to sponsor. We throw out those foam ‘coal’ chunks at Lexington Legends games, and we’ve got that weird little bus painted black that sits on Broadway…hell, last week, we sponsored a dog peeing on a Good Foods Co-Op logo just to get attention. We were thinking about sponsoring one of Lexington’s homeless flashers to tattoo our logo on his member until we had this idea, which we figured would cost less. That’s not to say we’ve thrown out the flasher idea, though.”

Pressed further about these unconventional advertising methods, Pruett added, “Let me be very clear: we will do literally anything it takes to promote coal in this state. I once played a game of Russian roulette with a Cambodian drug lord in order to secure sales of Kentucky coal from mountaintop removal mining to that country. If I had lost, these out-of-town tree huggers clogging up our university would probably have this place running on solar power now. Well, we thought of sponsoring the President’s farts before they did, so we win!”

President Capilouto is equally excited about the partnership.

“Nothing could represent the close bond between this excellent university and the coal that keeps our lights on better than a loud, aggressive machine gun fart delivered at just the right moment, publicly,” Mr. Capilouto told reporters. “And I’m pleased to announce that Friends of Coal will be receiving an honorary degree from UK developed specially for this occasion. The Flatulor of Science degree will be awarded to Friends of Coal for their outstanding work in promoting coal in Kentucky, and in keeping coal relevant at this university. We hope to start offering it as a degree for our students soon, too.”

UK marketing professor Toots McGovern thinks this is a wise move for the coal lobbying group.

“They’re a bold bunch for going this route. Most companies and organizations would be too scared to sponsor someone’s flatulence, but I think we’re going to start seeing more of this. Imagine if Mila Kunis’s farts were sponsored by Glade! I’d invest in Glade’s stocks the moment they announced that campaign, wouldn’t you?”

McGovern appears to be correct, too, as sources have already begun to indicate that the UK Board of Trustees is interested in having other prominent university figures’ farts sponsored.

Coach Calipari is a natural choice, but some worry that he burns through the best of his signature popcorn farts while in the midst of games.

Asked if he worried about Calipari’s ability to produce reliable room-clearing farts on command, or any other university representative’s ability to do so, Capilouto expressed confidence.

“Look,” he said, “it comes down to this: how much gas can our guys produce regularly? If you look at the facts and listen to them talk, you know our university’s representatives are fuller of hot air than anyone around. Yessir, we have some genuine, grade A windbags running this university, and we plan to really singe some nose-hairs with our ongoing support of coal and Friends of Coal-sponsored farts.”

Pruett and Capilouto showed solidarity as they ended the press conference with an impressive performance of highly celebratory and carefully choreographed world-class farts, including, according to this reporter’s notes, the Barn Owl Fart, the rare and elegant Celestial Fart, the downhome Rusty Gate Fart, the show-stopping Sonic Boom Fart, said to nearly launch the farter into orbit, and finally, they finished with the truly awe-inspiring Rambling Phaduka Fart, which is the longest of all farts and which leaves the farter breathless—it is said to be a personal favorite of both men.

For more information on these farts, check out: www.fartnames.com

By Derpy Dee

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