In a surprise reversal of his decision to keep UK’s campus “dry,” President Capilouto announced today that UK’s prestigious W.T. Young Library will open a bar at the circulation desk on the first floor. Installation of the bar, named Amazon.com KindleKats Sports Bar, will take place over the summer term.
“It was an easy decision, actually,” the President explained. “Most students bring alcoholic drinks to the library anyway, and by not selling them drinks, well, it was a lost income opportunity. But we’re finally doing the right thing. Besides, on game nights, the place is as loud as a sports bar anyway—up to 25 students may gather around a single computer streaming a UK basketball game, shouting and carrying on. To pretend that this atmosphere was anything other than a bar just meant we were lying to ourselves.”
Of course, there will be some restrictions on what is served, and how, and when.
First of all, since it is UK property, students will be asked to sign sexual harassment waivers before they can order body shots.
Also, the controversial method known as “butt chugging” or an “alcohol enema,” in which a funnel is inserted into the rectum, then filled with hard alcohol, will only be allowed when fourth-year medical students are on hand to oversee safety. This service will cost extra, and require that students sign an agreement allowing UK to post their butt-chugging vidoes on its Youtube channel as a recruiting tool.
Finally, while young women who binge and pass out at the bar will receive a campus police escort home, young men will be sent to one of the local Catholic churches to sleep it off and receive special care while they are incapacitated. This is at the request of the local Catholic community, who hopes to strengthen its relationship to the school, and, especially, the fraternities.
Meanwhile, Capilouto says he has been reflecting on the events leading up to this decision.
“I actually don’t remember declaring that the campus would be dry, so I feel like I’m not contradicting myself, as some have claimed.”
Asked how he could possibly not remember such an important and controversial decision, Capilouto responded, “I’m just not sure, to be honest. I think I was pretty wasted when I did that. I mean, who knew butt-chugging would be so much fun and so darn effective! These kids!” He laughed, “What will they think of next?”
According to Capilouto, the bar will open at the start of the Fall 2013 semester.
“We need to get in there and tear out some walls, hang some neon beer lights and big fake fish on the wall, that sort of thing,” Capilouto said. “Between that, and the versatile beer-pong / flippy-cup table, we’re expecting a fun and lucrative semester here at UK, where the brightest minds of the commonwealth come together and fall apart.”
By Derpy Dee