LEXINGTON, KY –
Each day, UK students have a plethora of choices to make, but among the most important is their choice of sustenance. With so many options, it gets tough trying to decide which meal to go with. Even so, one selection remains above and beyond all the rest: The Spicy Beef Wrap. The Colonel investigated the origins of this enticing entrée, and came away with the inside scoop on what makes the Spicy Beef so spectacularly special.
From a young age, the calves that are eventually used for the Spicy Beef are treated with the utmost respect. Each calf, apart from having a plentitude of free time to graze all of the finest Nebraska grass it can get, is also given daily massages by veterinary specialists and is versed in Shakespeare, Dickens, and Balzac. Once grown, the cows are regularly bathed in ocean water by the kindest, most tender farm workers to be found west of the Mississippi. They’re also contacted by UK psychology staff regularly and are assured of their importance in the grand scheme of things. Once the cow has made peace with this world, it gradually says its final goodbyes to all the other cows on the farm and is then put to rest. In the moments before its death, Eli Capilouto himself scratches its back tenderly and assures it of the gratitude of every single person on campus, before finally wishing it a peaceful, fulfilling afterlife.
The pepperjack cheese is just as meticulously procured. Time travelers from 2135, the year universally regarded as the high watermark of cheese quality, make their way back to campus weekly with fresh deliveries of the most delicious dairy to ever be consumed by mankind. The cheese is then thoroughly inspected for any defects caused by the tumultuous journey, before being carefully cut into perfectly identical triangles by New York chef Laurent Tourondel.
The onions and peppers used are all locally grown through UK’s own Community Supported Agriculture program, where they’re genetically modified to raise student IQ’s and pique attention spans, facilitating any studying sessions in nearby Willy T. A panel of horticulture experts is chosen annually to meticulously select the finest of the organically grown produce. Approximately five out of every hundred onions, and seven out of two hundred peppers, are deemed fit to be included in the tasty chef d’oeuvre. The rest of the product goes on to be regularly used in the other establishments on campus and/or sold at Whole Foods.
So the meat, the cheese, and the veggies are all selected from the crème de la crème. But let’s take a step back and look at the delicious package encapsulating the whole experience: the wrap. Flour tortillas are imported from Mexico on traditional horse-drawn carriages by humble, hard-working farmers, whose only joy in life is to know that the students at UK are still being presented with the opportunity of consuming this delectable union of foods. Finally, before being stocked at Ovid’s, each tortilla is thoroughly rubbed all over Kate Upton’s naked body.
And now we have come to the crown jewel of this delectable deliciosity: the famous Spicy sauce. The sauce begins with a base of the finest gourmet mayonnaise. Fresh salsa is gradually added by Chemistry faculty until the golden ratio of the concoction is reached. Then, seventeen different herbs are infused into the sauce, including exotic spices from Mozambique, Madagascar, and Minnesota. There are only three people in the world who are aware of the full scope of the recipe, and although their identities are closely guarded, it should be noted that one of them is currently serving on the Supreme Court.
So now that you’ve been intimately acquainted with the ingredients comprising this meal worthy of the Gods, stop on by Ovid’s and try it out. All cooks have been trained to apply the precise ratio of ingredients necessary; social psychological training has also enabled them to deduce from your tone of voice and posture the kind of day you’re having and whether to go heavy or easy on the sauce.
So watch in amazement as the magical dish is being prepared, and voilà! The wondrous wrap will soon appear before your very eyes. Enjoy it as you would the birth of your first-born, or as you enjoyed your first kiss. For it is just as special.
BY JEFFREY DANIELS