LEXINGTON, KY –
A visibly distressed LeBron James held a press conference earlier today to issue a heartfelt and tearful apology to the city of Cleveland. LeBron, looking dejected and downcast, stated that he has been repressing a deep-seated love for Cleveland, and that this has been digging away at his soul for over three years now.
“Man, I just… I just wanted to say I’m so, so sorry,” a disconsolate James started off. “It’s been so hard for me, man. I mean, I mean… I mean, this whole break-up thing. That’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I mean, there was no easier way for me… no easier way…”
The King’s voice trailed off as he put his head down on the press podium, hands clasped, and started sobbing gently.
The Heat forward barely looked like himself during the conference, and he went through numerous emotional breakdowns during the course of the 45 minutes, cycling through a multitude of sincere, profound apologies and fits of hysterical weeping.
Although no one knows what exactly prompted this confession, LeBron responded, “I just looked deep down into my soul today, and what I found was regret. It wasn’t love, or morality, or truth; it was a bottomless pit of sorrow and anger and unfulfilled desire. It’s like a part of my own humanity is missing; it’s like I lost a part of myself. The Cavaliers and I could have worked it out. We could have worked it out.”
The former first overall pick then pensively looked down and remained silent for more than two minutes, face completely static except for the tears streaming down his cheeks.
A despondent James went on to say: “I’ve always loved you, Cleveland. I will always love you. I’m not only homesick. I’m heartsick. Take me back right now. Please, please take me back.”
LeBron wiped the tears from his eyes and concluded: “April Fools.”
BY JEFF LIPSCOMB