UK Privatizes Campus Dining Services and Bathrooms

UK’s Campus Dining Services is in need of a makeover, according to administrators.

Since 2008, CDS has been buying as much produce as possible from Kentucky Proud farmers and food producers. Meanwhile, CDS has been extremely profitable, and has managed to increase its profits each year, drawing national attention and praise for the cooperation between the large university and the local food economy.

But, on the heels of privatizing dorms on UK’s campus, administrators are looking for another way to humble the school. This reporter caught up with administrators after a recent meeting to learn more.

“We realize this is confusing to some,” said Bob Wiseman, VP of Facilities, “what with the extreme profitability and success of our current system. But money’s not the problem here—it’s pride.”

President Capilouto echoes Wiseman’s concerns.

“Here in Kentucky, we all know our bibles and we all know that pride is one of the seven deadly sins. As a University trying to break into the top 20, we can’t afford to be proud of anything, because folks just see that as sinful around here. All this ‘Kentucky Proud’ business has to come to an immediate end.”

But the privatization of CDS is meeting opposition among students, many of whom are proud of Kentucky’s innovative and cost-effective method of supporting local farmers.

“I don’t understand,” said Nancy Hacker, a sophomore majoring in Political Science, “CDS makes tons of money, supports local farms, and provides awesome food to the students. This is a great system, and if we privatize, there’s no telling what a private company would do. It seems like the administrators are trying to fix something that isn’t broken.”

Asked how he would respond to this, Capilouto sighed and muttered something about sinners, then said, “Look, it’s quite simple: when we do things too well, people grow proud of UK, and when people are proud of UK, it puts our whole university community in danger of spending eternity having our entrails clawed out by hell-beasts in the Lake of Fire. Our current food system on campus is just getting to be too excellent. It is time to humble ourselves as we make our way toward the top 20.”

VP of Facilities Bob Wiseman chipped in, saying, “I would ask the students who oppose privatization one thing: which sounds tastier, an eternity in hell? Or some privatized french fries? It’s time for students to taste some privatized humble pie.”

Asked what other changes students can expect to see as part of the race to the top, Capilouto had several ideas.

“The next thing we’ll do is privatize the bathrooms. I mean, have you seen the bathrooms in the Young Library? They are awesome! I know the UK community is extremely proud of those bathrooms, and this pride risks the perdition of our souls. In the coming months, we will be turning over control of those great bathrooms to Hall Industrial Bathroom service. They will immediately slap locks on the doors and charge $.50 – $1.00 for entry, and there will be a $20 cleaning fee for anyone who doesn’t leave the bathroom as spotless as they found it.”

It’s clear that the President is excited about all these improvements to campus. As our interview ended, he looked off into space.

“Yessir,” he said wistfully, “With changes like these, no one will be proud of UK.” Teary-eyed, he concluded, “I want that to be my legacy.”

By Derpy Dee

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