LEXINGTON, KY –
In a disgusting display of public drunkenness this past St. Patrick’s Day, Lexington Country Inns and Suites manager Carl Carlson publicly revealed the shocking secret that hotel staff have covered up for years: the supposedly “uniquely beautiful” works of art displayed in hotel rooms nationwide are merely copies of the same four paintings.
“You juss don’ notice because, because, we flip the abstract one,” slurred the inebriated Carlson before belching alarmingly loudly. “You can’t even…tell,” he giggled to himself within earshot of a Colonel reporter immediately prior to falling backward off of a bar stool.
Unsurprisingly, this newfound knowledge has forever tainted Americans’ sense of trust in motels, truth, and the American way.
“It’s like I’ve been betrayed by God,” remarked one particularly precocious four-year-old guest at a Georgetown Holiday Inn Express, before demanding a plush duckie from her maternal unit.
“I always thought they painted a new picture just for me,” sobbed one disillusioned man as he rolled his floral suitcase out of a Louisville Super 8. “I may never leave home again. This hurts my heart.”
Upon sobering up and realizing what a bombshell he’d released onto the unsuspecting sheeplike public, Carlson issued a press release detailing his decision to become a hermit.
“I have shamed my family, and brought dishonor upon the noble profession of hotel managers,” announced Carlson with head hung low in defeat. “I don’t deserve to live among other, less despicable human beings.”
As of press time, artists around the country were being summoned to commission new works for the shamed hotel chains in an attempt to regain public trust, while torch-wielding mobs gathered to burn mass quantities of the four paintings in question: Abstract 01, Flowers With Emotion, Landscape of Land, and Expressionless Androgynous Human Upon Whom Hotel Guests Can Project Their Own Feelings and Interpretation and Pretend Like They Understand Art.
(Next week: What’s Really Printed In Your Hotel Bible: Harry Potter, satanic messages, Bobbi’s phone number in Morse code, and so much more!)
BY CANDICE OLSON