President Calipouto Outsources University


In a surprise decision, UK President Eli Calipouto announced today that the entire university campus would be outsourced to southern China. Calipouto, who spoke at a news conference in a packed Memorial Hall, explained his decision: “Well uh…we uh…I understand…”

Calipouto, after recharging his Alltech™ algae biofuel battery, unveiled the Committee to Investigate to Consider the Possibility of Perhaps Undertaking the Goal of Destroying the Public University As We Know It, or Whatever.

Calipouto immediately dissolved the committee, citing unspecified emergency powers. He then instituted the five-year plan “Fulfilling the Foxconn Promise.” By 2015 all academic, athletic, and other campus positions will be summarily shipped to a massive factory in Shenzhen, China.

Apparently Foxconn refers to a company that manufactures Apple and Sony products. Foxconn is supposedly well-known for its systematic abuse of workers, scores of whom have committed suicide.

As of press time I, as a Colonel reporter, still cannot confirm that I acknowledge “people” without American passports or can locate China on a map.

Students who attended the conference appeared only mildly interested. Sophomore accounting and counting double major Jade Ed reacted to the news: “It sucks that Coach Calimari is gone, but there are other squid in the sea. We should recruit Yao Ming if he isn’t eligible for the draft.”

Super senior Neo Liberalism asked The One question on everyone’s minds: “Does this mean we get free iPhones?”

UK Public Relations automaton Jake Blandon produced puffs of air called speech: “Look, we already tried outsourcing campus to Second Life,” referring to the online virtual world that is somehow even less interesting than The Sims.

Blandon was pre-programmed to say: “It just didn’t work. Suddenly the psychology professors discovered it and now those gadflies are stuck in our interwebz. They should be studying undergraduates’ response to the stimulus of 150 percent tuition increases in just ten years!”

At this point a strange man in silhouette intervened, turning off Blandon’s Arch Coal® boilers. The masked man identified himself only as the UK Interim Institute Professor of Privatization and Associate Dean of Austerity.

As a good reporter, I asked him if Foxconn University would come equipped with Chick-Fil-A dormitories.

Suddenly the austere man appeared transfixed, as if I said a special code word. In monotone he moaned: “After a cabal of Commie students successfully resisted the privatization of UK dining services, we had no choice. We already outsourced the dormitories so that only wealthy white people could afford them.”

He continued: “This was just the next logical step. All student-athlete-workers in China will be happy sipping on Soylent Green slurpees…”

With that the Sith Lord slithered away, and this author recorded another sighting of a UFO (unidentified fascist object).


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