Disobedient Professor Gets 15 Lashes for Failing to Bow to Calipari

LEXINGTON, KY –

Physics professor Bryan Arnold was sentenced to get 15 lashes on the back Monday for failing to show proper respect to University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari after seeing him on campus.

The charges, brought to light earlier last week, were deemed serious enough to be taken before UK’s Board of Trustees, who decided on the punishment after several hours of deliberation.

“I honestly thought we should have been harsher,” said Trustee Laura Oswald. “This is a serious issue; one can’t just blatantly disrespect Coach Cal like that. There’s no room for childish dissidence in situations like this.”

According to the charges, the unmanageable Arnold was making his way from the Classroom Building to Funkhouser mid-afternoon on Monday, March 4, when he spotted Calipari going in the opposite direction.

The report continues that despite clear eye contact, and a light head nod, Arnold rebelliously refused to get on his knees and reverently bow to Calipari, as UK policy states that all faculty members must do.

“Oh, come on, I was wearing my good pants that day!” Arnold said after the verdict was announced. “I didn’t want to get on my knees in my good pants! Isn’t it enough that I let his players pass my class?”

Dr. Arnold has had a history of defying administrative expectations. He was amongst an unruly group of professors that refused following a new policy mandating the submission of weekly academic reports to administrators.

Additionally, he is one of the only instructors on campus that has yet to get the mandated Mark Stoops tattoo on his left collarbone.

In a press conference held earlier today, President Eli Capilouto said, “There’s no room for such incorrigible behavior at the university. I respect Bryan’s individualistic views, but if he wants our university to succeed as an organization, he’s going to have to become more of a team player and less of a diva.”

Capilouto continued: “It’s really not that big of a deal. When you see Coach Cal on campus, you make eye contact, you get on your knees, you bow, and you wait for him to give you his blessing. It’s really not that bad. I’m not sure why Bryan has a problem with it.”

Several faculty members have come to Arnold’s defense since the ruling. Dr. Ryan Badstuber, an anthropology professor, expressed dissatisfaction with the magnitude of the punishment.

“I would have understood if we would have made the tournament, but we crashed out of the NIT,” Badstuber said.

Economics lecturer Ramit Vasu agreed that it should have been “five lashes at most, or maybe a couple of days of manual labor.”

As of press time, Badstuber and Vasu were each sentenced to ten days in solitary confinement for defending Arnold’s actions.

BY KEVIN ELPENOR

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