January 22, 2017 –
Last Friday marked the end of Obama’s second and final presidential term. The Colonel managed to get an exclusive interview, in which the legendary figure commented on his political tenure.
“I was a right-winger the whole time,” he began the interview, laughter shaking his entire body.
“I don’t understand how people didn’t see it,” he added. The president then spent the next few hours meticulously detailing the ways in which he was actually a far-right capitalist shill.
“I regularly dropped bombs on innocent children, women, and men throughout the Middle East and Northern Africa.”
“I regularly had soldiers use a video game-like console to drop bombs on innocent children, women, and men throughout the Middle East and Northern Africa.”
“I support brutally violent, oppressive right-wing dictators and reactionary forces throughout the Middle East, Latin America, Asia, and Africa.”
“I wholeheartedly supported apartheid, martial law, night home raids, the arrest and torture of children, and the murder of innocent civilians in Palestine.”
“Yes, everyone lauded me for ‘bringing the troops home,’ but what those silly Democrats didn’t realize is I didn’t actually end the war. For starters, there are still thousands of troops left in the country. But, more than that, what I really did was privatize the war. Private enterprise is the key to efficiency and success, and with rampant government inefficiency and failure, I felt the best way to ensure freedom for the people of Iraq and Afghanistan—and to kill as many innocent Muslims, I mean brown people, I mean terrorists—was to let the Market deal with it.”
“And healthcare, oh yes,” he laughed ferociously, “Healthcare… ‘Universal’ healthcare? What, you think I’m a Commie or something?!” he continued, mentioning he was out of breath from laughing so hard. “Obamacare is literally the opposite of the system that every other industrialized country (and even much of the non-industrialized world) has. I was just passing legislation that Republicans had been trying to push through for decades. I made it mandatory for every citizen to purchase ‘health’ ‘insurance,’” making bunny ear quotation marks with his fingers, “from private corporations.”
“So, in effect, I am now making every American citizen pay monthly installments of their already minute paychecks to immoral, avaricious ‘healthcare’ companies, who are in the business to make boatloads of cash (and boy, do they make bank) off of sick and dying people, and who will only pay, at most, half of their expenses anyway (if they’re lucky)—after they pay several thousand dollars for their deductible.”
“You really couldn’t make up a system that’s more rigged against the people. Brilliant,” he sighed ecstatically.
“Yes, true, some poor folks don’t have to pay this,” he added, “but I had to at least pretend as though I cared about the people.”
Obama concluded the interview speaking of the implications of all of these policies and of his presidential tenure.
“See, this is what the beauty of this all is,” he explained. “If a Republican had pushed through these measures, liberals here would be absolutely up-in-arms. It’s a brilliant plan, you see. I’m a corporate tool, but a corporate tool the corporate media portrays as a socialist, and a dirty Commie, and a Nazi, and the anti-Christ—because opposing the exploitation of the working class, the robbing of the surplus value of labor of the worker, and the pillage and destruction of the only planet we have, and encouraging solidarity, equality, diversity, and equal opportunities for all to enjoy a happy, fulfilling, socially beneficial life is the same thing as waging genocides on entire peoples and those of different sexual orientations, religions, and mental abilities, under the banner of white supremacist, Christian, Teutonic superiority (with the help of U.S. corporations), of course. I’m the one portrayed like this, so when I push these right-wing measures through, liberals trust I know what I’m doing, even applaud me for my infinite benevolence.”
“Plus, I mean, they voted for me; I was the lesser-of-two-evils. So I just can’t betray them, right?!”
Critics point out that they have been speaking out against Obama’s conservatism from the very beginning, pointing to the website http://www.ObamaTheConservative.com.
The website’s domain name was registered in 2009, but the rumors soon stopped after Obama, citing the uncontroversial National Defense Authorization Act, had them all imprisoned or killed.
And, according to the latest AP poll, Democrats still maintain that they were all just a bunch of crazy socialist, Commie, Nazi, conspiracy-theorist hippies, and that Obama is just joshin’.
BY BRUSSELS SPROUTS