VATICAN CITY –

It has been about a month since the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI. There has been much speculation about his move, being the first pope to resign in centuries.

Some have thought it was because of the church abuse scandals; others believed it was his deteriorating age.

However, for the first time in weeks, the Vatican medical staff has come forward with answers.

“Pope Benedict indeed had a serious health condition that required immediate attention. He had a severe case of blue balls.”

It’s no secret that leaders in the Catholic Church, be it priests, monks, nuns, etc., submit to a life of chastity. What is less known is the harsh, sometimes severe conditions experienced by those having not experienced a good ‘gasm in years.

“My balls were bluer than an Elvis Christmas,” said the former pope. “They were swollen to the size of onions and it hurt to walk.”

When asked if he expected anything different before entering life of purity, he answered, “My son, chastity isn’t the issue. The arthritis in my hands prevented me from firing off any knuckle children and after a while little boy ass will only take you so far.”

The former pope now spends most of his time gardening, attending Mass, and visiting roadside adult stores.

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BY LAWRENCE TIELMANN