UK Seeks Bald, White Male for Provost Position

LEXINGTON, KY –

The University of Kentucky Provost Search Committee narrowed down the candidate pool for selecting UK’s future provost Monday, and they are excited with the results.

“We’ve had a fantastic group of applicants show interest in the opening,” said UK’s President, Dr. Eli Capilouto, on Monday. “Who knew this upper-level job opening would attract so many qualified individuals that look just like me?”

Search committee co-chair Dr. Mike Reid said, “We’ve found a lot of applicants who really resemble Dr. Capilouto, but we’re going to leave it up to the man himself when it comes to picking between the final two candidates.”

Reid and his fellow committee members have been particularly sensitive to Capilouto’s demand that the new provost look like him in appearance.

“When I glance around at my council members, I want to be reminded of my success,“ Capilouto said. “I want to see me.” Capilouto went on to refute the notion that having nine white males on a council of eleven people is enough.

“The current staff, while over ninety percent male, just doesn’t have my hair down quite right. And that’s what this search is all about, really.”

However, UK students, faculty, and staff continue to demand that the administration elect a more diverse group to lead their university.

Susan Caliout, a junior anthropology major, called out Capilouto on his tendency to exclusively elect bald white men to top administrative positions. “I think we really need to look at candidates with comb-overs this time around. I mean, how can we expect bald men to represent a campus that has a majority of female students?”

Other UK students worry that the hair debate has overshadowed the need for other types of diversity among the administration. Bob Willamson, a sophomore English major and a member of UK’s Black Student Union, is angry about the leaders’ lack of attention to bow ties.

“People who wear bow ties need representation among UK’s top staff members. We have to fight the decline of bow ties in academia that has taken place over the last fifty years,” Williamson said. “The administration needs to recognize that people who wear bow ties can be taken seriously.”

Vice President for Student Affairs Robert Mock, one of only two black staff members that currently report directly to Capilouto, is also the only leader who adorns the bow tie.

Tension should end next month with the selection of a new provost and the resolution of Capilouto’s hair crisis.

BY CURIAN RIVERS

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