LEXINGTON, KY –
March Madness has come and gone with little participation from Cats fans. After failing to make it to the NCAA Tournament and losing in the NIT, many students are disappointed, but some are suffering from too much sanity. Recently, UK Student Health has seen an increase in an illness resembling seasonal depression. Doctors call it “Lack of Madness” or “LM” and its symptoms are characterized by fearful hallucinations including the number nine, compulsive thoughts about couch burning, and the urge to blame problems on liberal socialism.
One patient diagnosed with LM had this to say about the ailment: “When I flip through sports channels, I don’t see blue. I keep clicking and clicking, hoping our jerseys will appear, but they never do. When I see my friends on campus, I’m at a loss for words. There are no dunks, three pointers—no wins—to talk about. I’m not sure what to do with my life anymore.”
If you think that you or a loved one may have contracted LM, please seek medical attention. UK Student Health also recommends staying away from Louisville fans as much as possible and watching highlights of Kentucky’s win against Kansas from last year’s championship game. Although LM is nothing compared to the 2009 outbreak of “Gillespitis,” this sickness is no laughing matter, as evidenced in the words of the student interviewed: “This has really created a void in my life and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy—well, okay, maybe on Duke.”