LEXINGTON, KY –
After carefully reviewing the University of Kentucky’s current no-alcohol policy, President Eli Capilouto announced Monday that UK will no longer be considered a “dry” campus.
The announcement came as a surprise to UK students, faculty, and staff, many of whom did not expect a verdict on the alcohol policy until later this year. However, citing sympathy for students, Capilouto chose to push the decision date up a couple of months and declare UK a “wet” campus once and for all.
“I can only imagine how the poor TA’s living in Cooperstown feel. How do they teach undergraduate shits all day without a little something to calm their nerves at the end of the night?” Capilouto said.
He continued: “Hell, the way I’m treated at this university, I need a night cap or two myself every now and then. Have you seen that excuse-of-a-website they call The Colonel? Those fuckers keep writing horrible things about me. If only they knew how difficult running a university can be.”
Students had overwhelmingly positive reactions to the change in policy. “I can’t wait to finally drink in the dorms,” said freshman kinesiology major Ashley Prater. “I used to be so afraid of our ‘dry’ campus policy that I wouldn’t even think about smuggling Burnett’s into Blanding Tower under my North Face.”
Sophomore biology major and fraternity member Nate Collins echoed Ashley’s sentiments. “It’ll be nice bringing the party to us and not having to depend on pledges driving us to house parties. Also, it’ll be straight being able to throw down a Natty or two during bio lectures; those get so tedious when you’re sober.”
Following the announcement, Capilouto invited the entire UK community to join him at his Maxwell House residence Monday afternoon for an impromptu kegger in celebration of the new alcohol policy. Festivities will begin at 4 p.m. and are scheduled to last until the president passes out or police break up the party.
“We’re going to have to watch out for the crotchety campus police and PTS officers,” Capilouto said, surveying the Maxwell House premises for any sign of party poopers.
Head men’s basketball coach John Calipari was one of the first to publicly speak about the decision on campus today. “We definitely need something to celebrate at UK after our disappointing showing at the NIT tournament this year,” Calipari said. “A change in the alcohol policy is definitely something I can get behind. Let’s get drunk!” New head football coach Mark Stoops added, “Let’s get Stoopid!” Calipari personally purchased seven kegs for this afternoon’s celebration so that “everybody can just forget about basketball for an hour or two.”
The kegger, which was originally supposed to occur after the 2013 NCAA championship game, had to be rescheduled when the Kentucky men’s basketball team totally fucked up those plans.
BY NANCY LONGBOTTOM