LEXINGTON– UK administration recently announced further cost-saving measures to help the university get through these tough economic times. I caught up with President Capilouto on his gold-plated yacht, the Skrilla II today to get the scoop. As a white-gloved servant brought us martinis, Capilouto explained the newest strategy. “Basically,” he said, “we realized that all… Read More Class Sizes to Increase at UK
LEXINGTON– As UK students eagerly anticipate the end of term, many are forming summer plans. “I’m heading to Florida to get a tan,” gushed freshman music major Malory Guffman. “I’m white as paste.” Some students, however, are still wrestling with evaluating their professors. Junior computer science major Joseph Rhonda is struggling. “These things are really important,… Read More UK Student Might Rate Professor as a “2”
Since the beginning of 2009, the average price of a gallon of gasoline in the United States has increased by more than 90 percent.
Friends of Coal today announced that they will be sponsoring every single fart from President Capilouto during the remainder of his time at UK. In a press conference today, reporters asked Friends of Coal spokesman Bobby Pruett why his group would want to sponsor Capilouto’s farts, and why now? “The first rule of marketing,” Pruett… Read More Capilouto’s Farts to be Sponsored by Friends of Coal
This morning, UK junior Hayley Riney caught her boyfriend of three weeks, Ryan Smith, watching porn on the internet. Riney states that she was shocked to find out that “real men” watched trash. Smith has yet to deny watching “Crazy Hot Lesbian Banged in the Shower” online. Riney is currently performing the silent treatment and… Read More Girlfriend Discovers Boyfriend Watches Porn
The average young American will spend 10,000 hours playing video games before the age of 21.
A new discovery reveals that Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God, and savior to mankind, wore Birkenstocks and socks. The discovery was revealed at the beginning of the week when esteemed art historian Simon Schama announced that the man depicted in ancient cave paintings, located in an undisclosed cave in the Holy Land, are… Read More Update: Jesus Committed Fashion Sins
In a surprise reversal of his decision to keep UK’s campus “dry,” President Capilouto announced today that UK’s prestigious W.T. Young Library will open a bar at the circulation desk on the first floor. Installation of the bar, named Amazon.com KindleKats Sports Bar, will take place over the summer term. “It was an easy decision,… Read More W.T. Young Library to Open Bar at Circulation Desk
Two explosions shook the Boston Marathon, and the country, Monday, 15 April 2013. According to the latest reports, three people died in the attack, and 130 were injured. The identity of the individual or group responsible is as of yet unknown. “We’re working on it,” said Janet Napolitano, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security. “As of… Read More After No Investigation, U.S. Identifies Boston Bomber as al-Qaeda