Archeologists Discover White Men Haven’t Been Able to Jump for Centuries

With a recently discovered trove of ancient Caucasian skeletons in central Africa, archeologists have been able to determine that white people have not been able to jump for centuries; at least, those are the results of some preliminary tests conducted on the Caucasian remains.

Archeologists are considering this to be the honey hole of the modern era within the field of Caucasian Studies.  The excavation site has been buzzing with reporters and people from the world of academia ever since the discovery three weeks ago.  The big questions being asked on the site: why did this group of Caucasians not migrate to Eastern Europe, where they seemed to have been more comfortable?  And why did they not mix and/or mate with the surrounding people?

To answer these questions I spoke with the leading archeologist on the dig, and the individual primarily responsible for the discovery, Dr. Eugene Gilbert, who first became interested in Caucasian studies in 1976 at age 31, which was also the year that Dr. Gilbert found out he himself was a Caucasian.  Eugene, who is now 68, came from a progressive household, whose parents had decided to raise their children free from gender or race labels. This reportedly led to Dr. Gilbert’s postponed knowledge about his “whiteness.”

I asked Dr. Gilbert why this group of Caucasians had not migrated out of Africa.  His response was insightful.  He said, “To answer question about white people of the past, we must look at white people of the present.” Which makes a great deal of sense when thought about; white people today have not changed from white people of the past, which is why white people still cannot jump.

When studying white people of today, you will learn that they are slow to adopt new ideas, and are generally bigoted towards anyone different then themselves (i.e. Mississippi didn’t make slavery illegal until 1995, 132 years after the Emancipation Proclamation).  Dr. Gilbert attributes stubbornness and bigotry as the cause of this small group of white people to stay in Central Africa.  Dr. Gilbert imagines an ancient conversation between two Central-African-Caucasians could have gone something like this:

“Caucasian #2, what are you doing?”- Caucasian #1

“I told you! I don’t need no jumpin’ to live.  Me and my family are going to stay right here… Jumping is just something they’re using to get everyone to move up north.” –Caucasian #2

“I’m telling YOU, everyone is leaving Africa… you’re going to die here, you know? Listen, I know everyone is talking about this jumping stuff like it’s the next big thing, but I really think that if you cant jump you’re going to die here.”- Caucasian #1

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m staying put. Us white folks have gotten along just fine without jumping for thousands of years, we’ll be just fine for a couple more”- Caucasian #2

“Suit yourself.  But there are going to be plenty of farmers markets’ where we’re going, I know you like your free-range eggs, and brunches, too! Plus you don’t need no jumpin’ to survive.”- Caucasian #1

“Sounds like you should leave already, don’t want to be late to those brunches and not get a table now.”- Caucasian #2

Caucasians originally migrated to Eastern Europe, according to Dr. Gilbert, to do what white people do best: fish, play golf, raise organic gardens, and live in temperate to cold climates.  All these activities Europe’s climate supports perfectly, and central Africa does not support.  Dr. Gilbert said, “Its simple: white people looked around and said ‘I do decree, these conditions we are currently blighted with do not support the finer, less fun, things in life. To the north!’ And they migrated to what is known today as Europe.”

Scientists have always known that white people cannot jump, but they were unsure as to how far back this lack of said adaptation traced. Now they have an answer.  The Caucasian skeletal remains carbon date to approximately 4600 BC, giving archeologists the furthest known date that white people have lacked the ability to jump.  Dr. Gilbert said that when dealing with large periods of time it is difficult to accurately say what caused a particular adaptation to be lost.  Its only logical through natural selection that the Caucasians that stayed back were outcompeted by their jumping non-Caucasian counterparts; and through their isolating bigotry, this was the demise of the remaining Central-African-Caucasian-People-Group.

by Jacob Houghton

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