Mysterious Illness Spreads Through Campus Right During Midterms Week

An untimely, contagious, and highly enigmatic disease has been making its way around the University of Kentucky right as midterms have begun. The malady, whose symptoms range from sore throat to congestion to migraines to throwing up to severe dehydration, has victimized a substantial number of hard-working students.

“Maybe the stress of studying so much has hurt my immune system,” said sophomore Pat Prendergast, one of the multitude of unfortunate students afflicted with the ailment. “I haven’t been this sick in a while. Last time my health was in such ill condition was actually a few months ago, right as I had an eight-page history paper due. I think it’s safe to say that being so overworked is harmful.”

He concluded: “These professors need to tone it down.” Wincing, he applied a cold, wet towel to his forehead and gulped down a shot of cough syrup.

The perplexing, inopportune illness has been spreading quickly, with more than 17 percent of the student body having turned in excused absence slips this week alone.

According to UK Healthcare physician Dr. Steve Marlowe, Wildcats need to be aware of the highly infectious nature of this thing, whatever it is. “If anyone you know or live with is experiencing anything even remotely resembling a stomach virus, a 24-hour virus, or the flu, make sure to steer clear from them,” he directed.

“We don’t know what we’re dealing with at this point, but all signs are showing that it’s bad. Very few viruses are so contagious and so capable of eliciting such diverse symptoms. We could be dealing with the real deal, for real,” Marlowe said. “Too bad it had to strike during midterms.”

The utterly inexplicable, strikingly untimely epidemic started Monday morning: 16 different cases were reported right around 8 a.m. The situation became more and more perplexing as the amount of absences caused by the illness grew steadily throughout the day. Students of all ages, majors, and housing locations were equally affected, prompting some UK officials to fear that the whole campus might have to be quarantined.

“It’s literally spreading like wildfire,” said UK Director of Student Affairs Dana Willoughby, speed walking her way through campus while covering her mouth and nasal passages with the collar of her shirt. “As of now, we don’t know what it is, where it came from, or what it can do. And frankly, we don’t wanna know.”

Despite the disconcerting conditions posed by the incomprehensible infection, students have found a way to remain optimistic. Prendergast said that he was confident that the treatments his physician prescribed would be able to cure him quickly. He felt the same about others as well.

“I’m sure everyone will be fine by the time Spring Break rolls around.”

by Glenda Milkhouse

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