No claims of fraud, corruption, or faulty voting machines were made following the student government elections yesterday. Sophomore Roshan Palli and running mate Jake Ingram, who were at no point in time accused of receiving illegal tax deductions on hundreds of millions of dollars, of purposefully hiding their yearly income, or of having fake birth certificates and/or girlfriends, prevailed with 76 percent of the vote. In a stroke of luck for the democratic process of the university elections, there were no widespread glitches among the polling stations, no news stations prematurely reported that one of the candidates had won based on exit polls, and an electoral college which could override the popular vote did not exist.
The presidential campaigns also ran credibly. There was little name-calling and no alienating commercials or secret multi-billion dollar donations by anonymous corporations. In addition, UK students were not randomly told they would not be allowed to vote based on their drivers’ licenses just months before the election.
“I want to congratulate Roshan on the election,” said opposing candidate Scotty Stutts, just before tons of balloon and confetti didn’t fall from the Student Center ceiling and Palli did not go on to make a two-hour victory speech. As of press time, Palli and Ingram have just under 12 hours to avoid a UK debt ceiling crisis.
by Cliff Applebottom