On Monday, Christie Lang changed her Facebook profile photo to her favorite childhood cartoon character. When asked why, Lang responded, “My aunt posted on Facebook that if I change my photo, one less child would become a victim of abuse.” These Facebook vigilantes have popped up across the social networking society. Last week, one group… Read More Facebook: Like this Page and Make a Difference
With a recently discovered trove of ancient Caucasian skeletons in central Africa, archeologists have been able to determine that white people have not been able to jump for centuries; at least, those are the results of some preliminary tests conducted on the Caucasian remains. Archeologists are considering this to be the honey hole of the… Read More Archeologists Discover White Men Haven’t Been Able to Jump for Centuries
According to a new report, more than 250,000 guns are smuggled from the United States into Mexico every year. Most of these guns end up in the hands of violent drug cartels, who then use them to kill innocent civilians and solidify their draconian chokehold on the populace. U.S. weapons corporations, however, are beginning to… Read More U.S. Banks, Weapons Corporations, and Government Tired of Working with Violent Drug Cartels; Seeking to Break into New Markets
Ex-boyfriend Chris Burkley reportedly treated sophomore Lydia Wilson in a completely disrespectful manner earlier today. Burkley has recently had a tendency to have his head stuck up his ass, but this time, oh, did he cross a line. Not only did Burkley, in an unforgivably inconsiderate manner, blatantly ignore Wilson as she passed him on… Read More Sophomore Treated Unacceptably by Rude Asshole of an Ex-Boyfriend
Aries (March 21 – April 19) There is a high probability that you will not be kidnapped or stabbed this week. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) As far as luck goes, you will have way more than enough of it this week. Hey, if the stars had to guess, you could probably even get… Read More Your Weekly Horoscope
Purchased earlier today, the box of Franzia Sunset Blush wine also does not release a fragrant aroma of dark cherries or offer a pleasant aftertaste of licorice. In addition, an exquisite balance of black currant flavors and toasted tobacco is not there to tempt the palette. The most delectable, freshest mountain blackberries were not infused… Read More Newly Purchased Box of Franzia Possesses Neither A Touch of Fine Wood, Nor Lingering Hints of Red Berries
Last night, in regard to President Obama’s nomination of drone-lover John Brennan as Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (a nomination that he still supports), Senator Ron Wyden (D-OR) posited: “Every American has the right to know when their government believes that it is allowed to kill them.” Everyone on the senate floor laughed. —… Read More Sen. Ron Wyden: “Every American has the right to know when their government believes that it is allowed to kill them.”
An untimely, contagious, and highly enigmatic disease has been making its way around the University of Kentucky right as midterms have begun. The malady, whose symptoms range from sore throat to congestion to migraines to throwing up to severe dehydration, has victimized a substantial number of hard-working students. “Maybe the stress of studying so much… Read More Mysterious Illness Spreads Through Campus Right During Midterms Week
According to sources, some guy named Hugo Chavez just died. Chavez— who was, like, the president of, like, Bolivia or something— has left his country or state or whatever it is in disarray. (Probably). Chavez was likely pretty old at the time of his death and definitely passed away due to something boring like a… Read More Hugo Chavez, Whoever That Is, Pronounced Dead Yesterday
Earlier today, UK revealed a new administrative position which will report to the Associate Dean of Student Affairs, the Dean of Associate Student Affairs, and the Dean of Student-Affair Vice-Affairs. The position will be called the Vice-Dean of Associate Student Affairs, and will preside over the Vice-Vice-Dean of Associate Student Affairs, the Dean of Student-Associate-Student… Read More UK Looking For New Vice-Dean of Associate Student Affairs
The UK Colonel 