Horoscope 2/11/13 – 2/17/13 Aries (March 21 – April 19) There’s only one way out of your current predicament, and it will involve lube. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will learn the hard way that there is no socially acceptable method of making fun of schizophrenic hookers during a job interview. Gemini (May… Read More Your Weekly Horoscope
According to the latest AP poll, published Tuesday, approval ratings for Congress have officially reached their lowest point ever. 0.001% of Americans approve of their current legislature. This figure was calculated in a recent comprehensive AP poll, conducted over the past year. People were asked a series of questions, including the straightforward “Do you approve… Read More Congress Reaches 0.001% Approval Rating
The arrival of a gigantic, terrifying, carnivorous reptile sent shockwaves throughout campus Monday. The outrageously aggressive, Godzilla-like monstrosity has caused more than 200 deaths in less than a week, greedily devouring nearby pedestrians and setting buildings ablaze with its formidable fire-breath. The creature shows no signs of slowing down or going away, and its presence… Read More Giant Man-Eating Reptile One More Thing for UK Students to Adapt to
You open the door to your living quarters and see your roommate is reclining butt-naked on your favorite chair, clipping their toenails. You apologize for walking in on them at such an embarrassing and intimate moment. This incident does not upset them in the slightest. It wasn’t an intrusion of privacy in their eyes! They… Read More The Naked Roommate Issue
1. They go together well with sex. 2. They provide a good occasion for the Harbaugh brothers to get together and shout at each other. 3. Blackouts. 4. Sitting on the couch with your roommates and consuming either for 4 hours and 14 minutes makes for a good time. 5. Sitting on the couch by… Read More Ten Similarities Between Super Bowl XLVII and Kentucky Gentleman Fine Bourbon-Whiskey
In the most newsworthy event of the past 50 days, the UK Colonel has been informed that a smallish brown squirrel made extensive eye contact with a student earlier today. The student, sophomore Bill Fredricks, claimed that the interaction started as he was walking out of the Classroom Building heading toward William T. Young Library.… Read More Small Squirrel on Campus Makes Eye Contact with Student
In spite of recent imaginary girlfriend news involving Notre Dame’s star football player, Manti Teo, as well as the online, dishonest relationships documented on the popular MTV series Catfish, we find the youth of America struggling to define an online relationship gone wrong. With the dramatically growing problem of teens and young adults developing fake… Read More Catfished? Or Manti Teo’d?
Turns out there is no such thing as a free lunch. — By Jacob Houghton