Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will not not catch your roommate masturbating on your bed this Wednesday.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The stars wish that they could help you out of this pile of shit you’ve gotten yourself into, but even they have a policy of never fucking with the Triad.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’ll be happy to discover that your kitchen table is actually functional as a time machine, but you’ll be disappointed to be trampled by a horde of nomads led by the step-cousin of Genghis Khan.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Whatever you do, it is absolutely, absolutely, crucial that you not miss this week’s episode of NCIS.

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The stars predict fortune shining down on you. The I Ching disagrees with them, but it’s usually full of shit anyway.

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You knew he was trouble when he walked in.

 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will spend more than 15 hours at Willy T, less than 4 of which will be spent studying.

 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

He who has the gold makes the rules, but he who has the Goldschlager wins.

 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You know that huge crush you have on your philosophy professor? Pursue it. As Nieztsche said, “in every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.”

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If you are a Capricorn, you are about to have absolutely the best week of your whole life, which, if you actually thought about it, you would realize to be pretty depressing.

 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The stars got a little too fucked up this weekend and lost your horoscope. Come back next week.

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll get a B on your test this week no matter what. Literally no matter what. No. Matter. What. Feels kinda liberating to know that, doesn’t it.